September 16, 2006

• “When they say that I’m just a terrible kite, you’ll tell them you’re proud of my loveless flight.” –Copeland-

   

  I’m feeling really introspective tonight, & I don’t want to be. I’ve kind of being trying to suppress it, but I figured I might as well write it all out so that I can abandon it afterwards.

   

  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy with my life right now, because I am. I’ve adopted a new mantra that gets me through the days, pushes me to do things I’m terrified to do. “Do one thing every day that scares you,” I tell myself, & then I get my job done. I’m learning to be a reporter because I’m taking this motto to heart: I’m proud of myself for not falling apart (yet) & I am proud when my stories make the front page.

   

  I’m pretty much alone in my life right now. I moved out, so I don’t see my mom much, even if I talk to her every day. I don’t see the select few people from CF who I’m still friends with, & although I know they love  me, it’s not as though my absence leaves a gaping hole or anything. I don’t talk to anyone very often, with the exception of maybe Kevin…

   

  And here? Here I have friends, but usually only when I’m at work. I know it’s pathetic, but sometimes I don’t want to leave the Stater office because it’s the only interaction I ever have with anyone, even if it’s usually stressful, work-related interaction. I’m not close with anyone there, no matter how much I care about a few of the people. They were friends before me, they have lives without me, they are their own & I am… well, I am my own. I am a sidenote.

   

  So I spend Friday nights by myself, when I do things like watch Law & Order reruns, write my stories, read magazines, shop at Target. My life is mundane, I know, but I’m happy. I’m even happy being alone – sometimes, it’s what I prefer, by far.

   

  And then sometimes… sometimes I remember what it feels like to be a part of something. I remember it because I had it most recently in D.C., even if we were a fake community, a slice of fantasy that doesn’t translate properly into reality, & I remember it because I had it at home at one time not all that long ago. I know I was never 100% comfortable in any of these groups, but I was there, & I had them, & they were comfortable.

   

  Loneliness is not an emotional to which I am unaccustomed. I know it, I treasure it, I even enjoy it, but sometimes I can’t help but miss feeling like a part of something, anything. I always think my “place” is right around the corner, but every time I turn a new corner, I’m as left out as I was before. I’m lucky now, because I have things to throw myself into, I have my future to think of, I have plans to make.

   

  But plans don’t replace people…

   

   

   

   

   

  (protected up,too.

  i’m a rambler tonight.)

  • 2:07 am
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