You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for G-d’s sake.”

[Iris Simpkins, The Holiday]

I’m starting to feel as though “The Holiday” was a bad choice of rentals while in my current state of mind: the “I’m Never Getting Married and I Suck at Dating” Mind Set. Within the first frame of the movie, a happily kissing couple reminded  me that I have not, in more than a year, kissed anyone to whom I meant anything. Luckily, since then, the movie has followed Kate Winslet’s wholly depressing unrequited love story.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, I may have found a D.C. roommate, but we don’t have anywhere to live yet. Her name is Rachel, & she’s clearly a gabillion times  “more Jewish” than I am. While scanning the names of her Facebook friends for common denominators, I found that nearly everyone she knows is named something über-Jewish, like Shoshana or Ariel or Avi or Ephram.

But super-Jewishness aside, looking through her myriad friends’ names inspired something strange in me – it imbued in me the realization that there are SO MANY people I have not yet met. There are so many hundreds of people I haven’t yet worked with or encountered in bars or been introduced to through friends. People I haven’t accidentally met while shopping in grocery stores & walking the dog I don’t yet have in the park. And when I realized this, I was overwhelmed with the idea that everything will be fine.

I spend so much time worrying about other people & what they think of me & what I mean – or don’t mean – to them. I worry that they’ve decided they don’t like me, that they might soon decide they don’t like me, that I don’t like the few people who do like me. I lament the friends I’ve seen come & go in my nearly 23 short years, the friends who have turned their backs or changed their minds or simply drifted away. I recollect ex-boyfriends & dates & would-be crushes gone awry, blaming myself & various other circumstances for poor judgment, bad timing & overall failure.

I give everyone my heart to break, just like the old Beatles’ song says. And quite often, they do – break it, that is. But frankly, I’d rather have my heart broken a million times over, by friends & lovers & enemies & strangers, than have never cared enough to let it happen.

I have learned to be optimistic, even when I’m at my most pessimistic. I have learned that being hopeful usually screws me over, but it also keeps me afloat. It makes things hurt more when they don’t work out, but when I have it, it buoys me & encourages  me to move forward with things & people that less hopeful individuals might give up on before experiencing. And I learn from everything, as cliché as it sounds – I learn from experiences I never would have gotten myself into if I hadn’t been hopeful enough to let them happen.

Yes, there are hundreds of people I have yet to meet. And I am quite hopeful that somewhere out there, there a handful of those as-yet-unmet people who will turn out to be the loves of my life. Maybe I’m a fool for putting so much hope in those people’s existence, but I believe they’re out there somewhere.

“If you need a job to give you a life, you either need a new job or a new life.” –Richard, Grey’s Anatomy

Let’s go with bullets today, shall we?

·          The season finale of Grey’s made me want to vomit. It was absolutely dreadful & disappointing.

·          Speaking of disappointing, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also terribly bummed in the result of the interaction I was having with a particular boy. Fuck.

·          And speaking of vomiting, I did last night. I hate barfing alone, & I always cry.

·          I begin my internship Wednesday, & I’m terrified. Also, I have no idea how I’m going to make any money this summer.

·          I enjoy going to the movies with my mother, even if I don’t want to move home with her this summer.

·          I feel like a creeper for liking Requiem for a Dream so much. Sam & I watched it tonight, & it’s weird as hell every single time. Still… <3

·          My sleeping schedule is jacked all to hell.

·          He either doesn’t know how much he’s hurting me, or he just doesn’t care, & that makes it hurt even more.

·          I’ve been looking at two places to live in D.C., one with an American U. grad student & another with a Catholic U. senior. Neither are cheap, but both are reasonable.

·          I miss Dave & wish Elise would come home from Texas. Also, Maddy is leaving this weekend, & I think Kurt is scared of hanging out with me. Also, I need more friends who are girls.

I suppose that’s it for now. How lackluster of me. No one reads this anyway.

“I can’t help it, baby: This is who I am. I’m sorry, but I can’t just go turn off how I feel.” –Jimmy Eat World

 Dave left. I cried. Elise predicted it. It was lame… & sad. I hate that I’ve finally made friends worth staying with, & we’re all leaving. He thought I was a freak for crying, but I couldn’t NOT cry.

<<<>>>

 My trip to OU was stellar, if not abrupt. It felt all too short, & I didn’t get to spend enough time with anyone. On the up-side, I didn’t get kicked out of anyone’s house, either, so I suppose every cloud has a silver lining.

 I should listen to my friends’ advice more often. I got into this thing where I decided advice was a bad thing, that it only ever led to me making poor choices, so I started listening only to myself… which is also not the greatest idea. I need a happy medium, because this brain of mine doesn’t always function at the highest decision-making level.

 Things that frustrate me: When people I care about date down, when people I care about screw their lives up by dating down, and when people I care about screw their lives up by dating down & don’t even realize it. On an unrelated note, other things I dislike include sweating, not getting to watch “Heroes” last night, and potentially paying $950/mo for an apartment.

 It would also be great if I could find a guy worth dating who is A) somewhat interested in me, B) somewhat attractive, C) somewhat intelligent, and D) entirely single. I seem to be doing all right with A through C, but D is proving to be a problem for me, & I refuse to deal with that shit. Ahhh, singledom. Thanks for nothing.

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“It’s something unpredictable, but in the end there’s right. hope you had the time of your life.” –Greenday

It’s over. Last class, last final, last newspaper, last banquet. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a better ending. The last two weekends have been filled with friends, fun, alcohol, laughter and memories. I know I’ve been overtly cheesy as of late, but I’m really just overcome with how great everything is.

And I’m done as an undergrad. Sure, I have to complete the internship, but it’s not a class. There’s no doubt that it’ll get done, & done well. So really… I’m finished. It was so liberating to, all of a sudden, have nothing to stress about – done with my last paper, story, article, project. Everything just sloughed off on the last day – no worry or wigging. It was weird & invigorating…

The last banquet w as phenomenal. Dancing, drinking, debauchery… but very little drama, on my part. I befriended Joey G.’s girlfriend & Tyrel cooked me a hot dog & I made out with a gay boy just for fun & we took oodles of pictures. And oh, yeah, Bryan bought me a dozen gorgeous roses.

And last night I had a dream that I found a near-dead, shivering, freezing baby & I walked it home under my coat, in the snow, & took it to Mrs. Zach’s house. Ben Poole was there, & he gave it CPR & then we called EMS, & I cried the entire time. It was so odd. I wonder what that could mean?!!

Today: Spiderman 3 with the Cocaine James boys & maybe Amanda’s graduation party tonight. One last special-edition paper to put out tomorrow, & Tuesday is online election coverage. And then I’m REALLY done.

“Hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me – you’re poppin’ all that mess only to stress & to spite me.” –Salt & Pepa

I’m quite interested in a certain boy. He recently told me he has a girlfriend who lives with him. Furthermore, I haven’t actually seen him in about four years. Somehow, I’m still interested. In case you were unsure, I’m a sadist. Or just ridiculous.

In luckier & more exciting news, I GOT AN INTERNSHIP! Yesterday, I donned my Isaac Mizrahi power suit & NineWest pumps & trekked on up to my beloved Mistake On the Lake to interview for a position with Cleveland Magazine… & they offered it to me! I’ll be working with my best friend all summer, plus going to Indians game & becoming regulars at the neighboring Starbucks & eating dinner at the gourmet grilled cheese joint.
<<<>>>

Friday is my third & final Stater banquet. Hopefully, the third time will be a charm & I won’t do anything horrifically dramatic, as in the past. Carlson said she’ll baby-sit me, & I just may hold her to it! This weekend shall be filled with other debauchery (I hope) & various good times of the final-college-weekend variety.

((()))

And the next weekend, I head to OU, although I’m sure some of you are screaming “WHAT THE EFF?!” about that one. I’m staying with Peebs & celebrating Greek Week & perhaps meeting up with a certain aforementioned someone. And I can’t wait!

I am just so happy right now. I can’t even express it all, but it’s there. I am normal. The normal-person kind of happy, & it’s a glorious feeling. THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE. (PS, go here)

//////

“Too smart to sit, too weak to settle down.” –Jealous Sound

Still no internship. A couple leads, but nothing confirmed. Trying every day not to doubt myself.

Last night was one of my favorite nights on record – went to the local vineyard for a hot dog roast with some of my Stater girls, where they split four bottles  of wine. Pre-gamed with Elise/Maddy/Bob. Met a whole slew of people at the Zephyr/Pub for Ben’s birthday festivities. This is finally the life I’ve been waiting my whole life for.

<<<>>>

I saw a t-shirt at Deb yesterday that read, “Rich & Single,” and it made me smirk because I’m pretty sure if you were rich, A) you wouldn’t be shopping at Deb in the first place, & B) you wouldn’t be advertising it on an ugly tee. Classyyyy.

Only one week of classes & one week of finals left. One week of Kent State, one week of Whitehall East, one week of the Stater, one week of my Trio. I can’t believe I’ve been in college for a half a decade now. I’m in the home stretch now…

<<<>>>

I WANT TO GO OUT AGAIN TONIGHT.

“Oh, Jesus Christy Almighty, do I feel all right? No, not slightly.” –Lily Allen

I hung out with a horde of couples on Friday & felt like a ninth wheel. Jackie/Doug, Rachel/Jesse, Ryan/Lindsey, Seth/Abbey – annnnnd ME. Awesome, yes? How come every single person I know has a significant other? Last night I fell asleep cuddling with a friend, which will have to suffice until I can bypass this dating disorder I apparently have.

I know everyone’s tired of hearing about it, but I still do not have an internship, & I’m long past The Panic Stage. I’ve almost passed The Despondent Stage, too, & have begun to venture into the There’s-No-Hope-For-Me-&-I-Almost-Don’t-Care Stage. I’ve exhausted nearly all of my options…

Hard to believe I only have two weeks left at Kent. Hard to believe I ever went to OU. I belong at Kent, & I’m so happy I ended up here. I changed my life for myself, in a positive way, & Kent has really begun to feel like home. Even being in RPA this semester has made me love Kent more, because now I appreciate the city, not just the university. I realized that if I end up back here in the ‘burbs of Ohio at some point, my life will not be as terrible as I’d once imagined.

Feeling a little lost… but what else is new, right? I’m spending an evening in with my mother, nursing a hangover, re-writing cover letters & waiting for Mrs. McClusky to get caught with her husband’s body in the freezer on “Desperate Housewives.”

“I won’t apologize for the things that make me happy anymore.” –Emerson

Things I am not a fan of include:

·          False accusations

·          Angry text messages

·          Horrible back pain

·          Writer’s block

Things I am a fan of include Brendan Fehr’s hair, making omelets with my mom, the word “omelet,” blogging, planning a weekender to D.C. to visit Ameir, and not having class tomorrow.

Anyway, I just finished the second season of “Roswell.” I overwhelmingly adore this show, & I can’t believe the WB canceled it after only three seasons because it was effing phenomenal. I read somewhere that Shiri Applebee wants to do a “Roswell” movie, & even though I know it will never happen, I desperately wish it would.

Good news – my back issues aren’t surgical. My doctor gave me some exercises to do three times a week to alleviate the arthritis I have around my spine. Yeah, that’s right: I’m 22 & I have an arthritic back, like a freaking 70-year-old woman.

Still looking for an internship. Still sucking at life…

“No one is allowed to be so proud they never reach out when they’re giving up.” –Better Than Ezra

So… I asked for help. I went to Ann & Carl & freaked out about not having an internship. And for as much as I profess my dislike for Ann, she really reassured me, & I feel quite a bit better after talking to her. She seemed confident I’d get the Stateline job & said I shouldn’t give up on BPEF. She also gave me a huge compliment I never saw coming… so I’m trying to relax. I’m trying to wait. I’m trying to have faith that this summer will work out. And today I interviewed with Milwaukee Magazine.

<<<>>> 

I’m trying desperately to figure out this song I heard last night on the radio. it’s one from the ‘90s, sounds like Del Amitri or Dog’s Eye View. It used to be popular enough that I knew all the words when I heard it, but now, for the life of me, I can’t remember what it was! It was about knowing someone didn’t care for you like you did for them, but deciding you might stick around anyway. Any ideas, anyone?!

Also, it sure does suck telling people things you’d rather not tell them, wishing you could just avoid conflict entirely. Now I understand why most guys just duck out of casual relationships & never call again instead of actually manning up and telling the truth. Because, you know, the truth hurts.

<<<>>> 

I’ve begun looking for apartments in Washington, D.C. They’re soooo expensive, but… I’M LOOKING FOR APARTMENTS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.!

“Tell me not to change & always be the same. Tell me that’s a good thing. (It’s a good thing.)” –Bo Bice

I go through odd food obsessions, where I’ll be obsessed with one food for like four weeks, and then I’ll be over it & I’ll move on to something else. Right now – Aladdin’s chicken pitza. Sure, it’s an expensive food habit, but it’s healthier than some of my past fixations & generally far tastier,too.

<<<>>>

I’ve been seeing the same obnoxious truck everywhere – in Kent, in Stow, in Cuyahoga Falls. It has Democrat bumper stickers & usually contains a small dog that somewhat resembles the pug from Men In Black. Seriously, it’s everywhere, crossing cities & counties & following me around.

Watching Roswell has me all hot & bothered by Brendan Fehr’s overwhelming hotness.

<<<>>>

At the current moment, I’m having a few different mental dilemmas. I choose not to expound upon them, but it’d be great if people cared about me the way I cared about them. It’d also be great if my way of expressing sadness was not by getting irrationally angry.

Favorite thing anyone said to me today:

elegancewhispers: http://www.avert.org/aofconsent.htm

elegancewhispers: just incase umm

elegancewhispers: u decide to sleep with a 12 yo Australian

      And later:

elegancewhispers: there’s all these attractive ________ men (name deleted for conversational safety)

elegancewhispers: god

elegancewhispers: enough for everyone to have one

elegancewhispers: or at least a round

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