March 21, 2005
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“When you break down & your back’s to the wall you’re a crisis with a backbeat.” –The Jealous Sound-
The wedding was fun if you cross out the parts where I felt like an incompetent, unattractive fool, where I was gullible & stupid & bitchy. Where I left a nasty drunk dial for one friend & got in a nasty fight with a certain someone who still matters even when he thinks he doesn’t. If you forget those parts, and the fact that I had a massive allergy attack at the “after-party” (if it can be called that) & fell asleep on the porch, then the wedding was fun.
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I feel like my life is in freeze-frame right now. I’m in a place I know but I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. Everything is slow & in-between, like I’m waiting for a new chapter of my life to start.
I wish I could afford an apartment. I wish I could afford anything, actually. I hate being home for such an indefinite amount of time because my mom is already driving me toward the loony bin. I want to move out but still be home in a CF-sense… but I don’t have money for rent, I don’t have a friend for a roommate, I don’t have any idea what I’m even doing…
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I sold all of my VHS videos to The Exchange for a whopping $31.74. I also bought Vanilla Sky even though I hated it, in memory of someone who loved it & thought I was crazy & ill-tasted when I disagreed. Maybe if I watch it again, I’ll get it. Secretly I didn’t like it because I am too shallow to understand the point of it.
I want to know: How did we come undone? Am I losing my best friend? Do I really have any friends? How do I always end up alone? Why do I push everyone away? Why don’t I stand up for myself when I get walked on? Why am I so gullible? How can I be so egotistical when I actually suck so much at so many aspects of life?!
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This weekend has been a depressing disaster. I can only hope that NYC is utterly amazing & cancels out all memory of these horrible self-loathing feelings I’ve developed.
Comments (14)
Well, for once I kinda have an idea what parts of the entry were about... of course I still don't know details, but I hope things get smoothed out in every aspect. Don't think you're a loser... if you do, just think of me and you'll realize you can never be that losery.
I'm envious of you in many ways, but at the moment it is definitely NYC!!!
Have fun!
That girl subscribed to me too...I have NO idea who she is!
Sounds like we're in the same situation. I guess the only point in my life right now where I actually feel productive or that I'm going somewhere is when I'm going to school. Who knows. I hope things get better for you. Hope to hear from you...
Ashley*
get a JOB, get a JOB...i recommend the Bell...fabulous benfits if ya know what I mean.
u sold ur movies?!!! who sells MOVIES, sell your plasma. $40 for the first jab!
I'm sorry to see you had such a shitty time..I had an awesome time
weddings are supposed to be happy...sorry it sucked.
i hope new yawwwwk is awesome! it's a pretty magical city (did i just say magical? wtf?), and you'll probably get so wrapped in all of that that you forget about everything here.
<3 have fun.
ps. you suck in the least amount of ways anyone can suck. seriously. none of those things apply to you, and i'm sad that you can't see that YOU ROCK. love love, sweetie.
i feel like i'm going through the same sort of mood right about now. sorry you're having a rough time. the friend stuff sucks. that's the kind of stuff that leaks into the other parts of your life and taints them. the money stuff too. yech. i guess the only thing to remember is that life is this sort of dynamic equalibrium where everything is constantly changing but really just staying the same. whenever i'm sad i always think that nothing will get better ever, but then stuff turns around completely.
meh. i don't know if that was helpful. just hope you can cheer up.
i'm sorry, love. boo. things will get better, though. promise.
hi yah i figured it out after i sent the message then i felt really stupid, i'm glad i helped w/ your boredom though. sorry your not having a good couple of days. feel free to visit any time your bored!
chau
you left out that you called your buddy sean from the after party, how could anyone make such an oversight? kidding, mauh, hugs, etc...
*I'm sorry to hear your weekend sucked that much! Let's try our hardest and forget about that "nasty drunk dial." I've made some of those before and they aren't very fun! Hope NYC has a ton of good times in store for ya*
*OMG did you take the words right out of my mouth? What you are feeling right now is exactly what I am feeling in my life... And it definitely sucks. It kind of makes me feel a little better to know that there is someone else who is going through the same type of thing. Even though I would never wish it on anyone! I really hope your trip helps you feel better! (I think some time away will definitely do it...) And talk about feeling slightly awkward at the wedding...*
i hope you feel better! oh and hellooo!?? roommate right here! once i get a job..
Ugh, weddings. Weddings are only fun for the people getting married. The one I'm in in August will be miserable since I'm friends with the bride, I've only met her fiance for 5 minutes once, and have spent maybe 3 hours total with the other bridesmaids combined. I'll probably get drunk and make a total drunken ass of myself.
Try not to worry too much about your life now, you know it will get better and when it does you'll look back at what's happening now and laugh. That happened to me.
I didn't really like Vanilla Sky either and I don't think there was a point to it, so you can't be that shallow. Besides you can't take a Tom Cruise movie too seriously.
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