July 4, 2007
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You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for G-d’s sake.”
[Iris Simpkins, The Holiday]
I’m starting to feel as though “The Holiday” was a bad choice of rentals while in my current state of mind: the “I’m Never Getting Married and I Suck at Dating” Mind Set. Within the first frame of the movie, a happily kissing couple reminded me that I have not, in more than a year, kissed anyone to whom I meant anything. Luckily, since then, the movie has followed Kate Winslet’s wholly depressing unrequited love story.
As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, I may have found a D.C. roommate, but we don’t have anywhere to live yet. Her name is Rachel, & she’s clearly a gabillion times “more Jewish” than I am. While scanning the names of her Facebook friends for common denominators, I found that nearly everyone she knows is named something über-Jewish, like Shoshana or Ariel or Avi or Ephram.
But super-Jewishness aside, looking through her myriad friends’ names inspired something strange in me – it imbued in me the realization that there are SO MANY people I have not yet met. There are so many hundreds of people I haven’t yet worked with or encountered in bars or been introduced to through friends. People I haven’t accidentally met while shopping in grocery stores & walking the dog I don’t yet have in the park. And when I realized this, I was overwhelmed with the idea that everything will be fine.
I spend so much time worrying about other people & what they think of me & what I mean – or don’t mean – to them. I worry that they’ve decided they don’t like me, that they might soon decide they don’t like me, that I don’t like the few people who do like me. I lament the friends I’ve seen come & go in my nearly 23 short years, the friends who have turned their backs or changed their minds or simply drifted away. I recollect ex-boyfriends & dates & would-be crushes gone awry, blaming myself & various other circumstances for poor judgment, bad timing & overall failure.
I give everyone my heart to break, just like the old Beatles’ song says. And quite often, they do – break it, that is. But frankly, I’d rather have my heart broken a million times over, by friends & lovers & enemies & strangers, than have never cared enough to let it happen.
I have learned to be optimistic, even when I’m at my most pessimistic. I have learned that being hopeful usually screws me over, but it also keeps me afloat. It makes things hurt more when they don’t work out, but when I have it, it buoys me & encourages me to move forward with things & people that less hopeful individuals might give up on before experiencing. And I learn from everything, as cliché as it sounds – I learn from experiences I never would have gotten myself into if I hadn’t been hopeful enough to let them happen.
Yes, there are hundreds of people I have yet to meet. And I am quite hopeful that somewhere out there, there a handful of those as-yet-unmet people who will turn out to be the loves of my life. Maybe I’m a fool for putting so much hope in those people’s existence, but I believe they’re out there somewhere.
Comments (6)
I’ve been staring at a blank comment box for several minutes now. I have much better things to be doing with my time, such as exterminating the ants running freely around my apartment, but your entry inspired me to at least jot down a couple words. For a short intro, I went to CoW and linked to your xanga-y thing from Dave’s. To say I read it religiously is a vast overstatement – I was just captivated enough by your spirit to read an entry or two every couple of months after I had thought of Dave/read over his xanga. I liked this entry and wanted to take a minute to say that I agree with you 100%. I see now that you haven’t written a new entry for nearly 2 weeks so who knows if you’ll even see this, and now I’m rambling on a strange xanga and I’m starting to think I’m crazy and probably weirding you out. If you ever wanna chat with someone new (I swear, I’m only sort of crazy, and not the dangerous kind), they made me enter my email somewheres, so I’m sure you can see it. Ah well, back to the ants.
Dani,
I can’t find your email address anywhere, but I would love to talk to you. Send me a message?
Yo, I’m Nick and I’m taking a survey. Do you think that rap music has had its day and is a dying trend or do you think its going to stay popular for another decade or so? Comment. I like comments.
Funny I come across your post now after I just, literally, finished, watching “The Holiday” and was thinking things somewhat along the same lines. I don’t know if you were criticizing me for mentioning that to momofjenmatt or if you giving a suggestion when going into the synagogue. If it was the former I would like to justify myself by the fact that I was only asking what she would think, as in it is something I am thinking about, and think it would be important to get input from a Jewish person before I make a choice like that. I have Jewish friends I could have just as easily asked but it just came to mind when I was commenting on her blog. If the later then I would say I agree with you, that would just be respectful, but I may let some of my friends there know, as I might got synagogue with them and that might be a reason why to ask them if I could go, and I know they would not be offended. So yeah, anyhow hope your holiday season is going well.
Peace,
Spencecr
You’ve just inspired me to watch The Holiday for the thousandth time.
P.S. You are regularly my inspiration.
@KatyComeTrue – Oh my goodness, I remember seeing your name there, too. It has been so long. I hope things are going well for you these days. It’s funny to reconnect now as I’m in graduate school for writing and just recently wrote a little snippet about Dave–and I hadn’t thought of him for some time now.