You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for G-d’s sake.”

[Iris Simpkins, The Holiday]

I’m starting to feel as though “The Holiday” was a bad choice of rentals while in my current state of mind: the “I’m Never Getting Married and I Suck at Dating” Mind Set. Within the first frame of the movie, a happily kissing couple reminded  me that I have not, in more than a year, kissed anyone to whom I meant anything. Luckily, since then, the movie has followed Kate Winslet’s wholly depressing unrequited love story.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, I may have found a D.C. roommate, but we don’t have anywhere to live yet. Her name is Rachel, & she’s clearly a gabillion times  “more Jewish” than I am. While scanning the names of her Facebook friends for common denominators, I found that nearly everyone she knows is named something über-Jewish, like Shoshana or Ariel or Avi or Ephram.

But super-Jewishness aside, looking through her myriad friends’ names inspired something strange in me – it imbued in me the realization that there are SO MANY people I have not yet met. There are so many hundreds of people I haven’t yet worked with or encountered in bars or been introduced to through friends. People I haven’t accidentally met while shopping in grocery stores & walking the dog I don’t yet have in the park. And when I realized this, I was overwhelmed with the idea that everything will be fine.

I spend so much time worrying about other people & what they think of me & what I mean – or don’t mean – to them. I worry that they’ve decided they don’t like me, that they might soon decide they don’t like me, that I don’t like the few people who do like me. I lament the friends I’ve seen come & go in my nearly 23 short years, the friends who have turned their backs or changed their minds or simply drifted away. I recollect ex-boyfriends & dates & would-be crushes gone awry, blaming myself & various other circumstances for poor judgment, bad timing & overall failure.

I give everyone my heart to break, just like the old Beatles’ song says. And quite often, they do – break it, that is. But frankly, I’d rather have my heart broken a million times over, by friends & lovers & enemies & strangers, than have never cared enough to let it happen.

I have learned to be optimistic, even when I’m at my most pessimistic. I have learned that being hopeful usually screws me over, but it also keeps me afloat. It makes things hurt more when they don’t work out, but when I have it, it buoys me & encourages  me to move forward with things & people that less hopeful individuals might give up on before experiencing. And I learn from everything, as cliché as it sounds – I learn from experiences I never would have gotten myself into if I hadn’t been hopeful enough to let them happen.

Yes, there are hundreds of people I have yet to meet. And I am quite hopeful that somewhere out there, there a handful of those as-yet-unmet people who will turn out to be the loves of my life. Maybe I’m a fool for putting so much hope in those people’s existence, but I believe they’re out there somewhere.

“If you need a job to give you a life, you either need a new job or a new life.” –Richard, Grey’s Anatomy

Let’s go with bullets today, shall we?

·          The season finale of Grey’s made me want to vomit. It was absolutely dreadful & disappointing.

·          Speaking of disappointing, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also terribly bummed in the result of the interaction I was having with a particular boy. Fuck.

·          And speaking of vomiting, I did last night. I hate barfing alone, & I always cry.

·          I begin my internship Wednesday, & I’m terrified. Also, I have no idea how I’m going to make any money this summer.

·          I enjoy going to the movies with my mother, even if I don’t want to move home with her this summer.

·          I feel like a creeper for liking Requiem for a Dream so much. Sam & I watched it tonight, & it’s weird as hell every single time. Still… <3

·          My sleeping schedule is jacked all to hell.

·          He either doesn’t know how much he’s hurting me, or he just doesn’t care, & that makes it hurt even more.

·          I’ve been looking at two places to live in D.C., one with an American U. grad student & another with a Catholic U. senior. Neither are cheap, but both are reasonable.

·          I miss Dave & wish Elise would come home from Texas. Also, Maddy is leaving this weekend, & I think Kurt is scared of hanging out with me. Also, I need more friends who are girls.

I suppose that’s it for now. How lackluster of me. No one reads this anyway.

“I can't help it, baby: This is who I am. I'm sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel.” –Jimmy Eat World

 Dave left. I cried. Elise predicted it. It was lame... & sad. I hate that I've finally made friends worth staying with, & we're all leaving. He thought I was a freak for crying, but I couldn't NOT cry.

<<<>>>

 My trip to OU was stellar, if not abrupt. It felt all too short, & I didn't get to spend enough time with anyone. On the up-side, I didn't get kicked out of anyone's house, either, so I suppose every cloud has a silver lining.

 I should listen to my friends' advice more often. I got into this thing where I decided advice was a bad thing, that it only ever led to me making poor choices, so I started listening only to myself... which is also not the greatest idea. I need a happy medium, because this brain of mine doesn't always function at the highest decision-making level.

 Things that frustrate me: When people I care about date down, when people I care about screw their lives up by dating down, and when people I care about screw their lives up by dating down & don't even realize it. On an unrelated note, other things I dislike include sweating, not getting to watch "Heroes" last night, and potentially paying $950/mo for an apartment.

 It would also be great if I could find a guy worth dating who is A) somewhat interested in me, B) somewhat attractive, C) somewhat intelligent, and D) entirely single. I seem to be doing all right with A through C, but D is proving to be a problem for me, & I refuse to deal with that shit. Ahhh, singledom. Thanks for nothing.

<<<>>>

“It’s something unpredictable, but in the end there’s right. hope you had the time of your life.” –Greenday

It’s over. Last class, last final, last newspaper, last banquet. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a better ending. The last two weekends have been filled with friends, fun, alcohol, laughter and memories. I know I’ve been overtly cheesy as of late, but I’m really just overcome with how great everything is.

And I’m done as an undergrad. Sure, I have to complete the internship, but it’s not a class. There’s no doubt that it’ll get done, & done well. So really… I’m finished. It was so liberating to, all of a sudden, have nothing to stress about – done with my last paper, story, article, project. Everything just sloughed off on the last day – no worry or wigging. It was weird & invigorating…

The last banquet w as phenomenal. Dancing, drinking, debauchery… but very little drama, on my part. I befriended Joey G.’s girlfriend & Tyrel cooked me a hot dog & I made out with a gay boy just for fun & we took oodles of pictures. And oh, yeah, Bryan bought me a dozen gorgeous roses.

And last night I had a dream that I found a near-dead, shivering, freezing baby & I walked it home under my coat, in the snow, & took it to Mrs. Zach’s house. Ben Poole was there, & he gave it CPR & then we called EMS, & I cried the entire time. It was so odd. I wonder what that could mean?!!

Today: Spiderman 3 with the Cocaine James boys & maybe Amanda’s graduation party tonight. One last special-edition paper to put out tomorrow, & Tuesday is online election coverage. And then I’m REALLY done.

“Hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me – you’re poppin' all that mess only to stress & to spite me.” –Salt & Pepa

I’m quite interested in a certain boy. He recently told me he has a girlfriend who lives with him. Furthermore, I haven’t actually seen him in about four years. Somehow, I’m still interested. In case you were unsure, I’m a sadist. Or just ridiculous.

In luckier & more exciting news, I GOT AN INTERNSHIP! Yesterday, I donned my Isaac Mizrahi power suit & NineWest pumps & trekked on up to my beloved Mistake On the Lake to interview for a position with Cleveland Magazine… & they offered it to me! I’ll be working with my best friend all summer, plus going to Indians game & becoming regulars at the neighboring Starbucks & eating dinner at the gourmet grilled cheese joint.
<<<>>>

Friday is my third & final Stater banquet. Hopefully, the third time will be a charm & I won’t do anything horrifically dramatic, as in the past. Carlson said she’ll baby-sit me, & I just may hold her to it! This weekend shall be filled with other debauchery (I hope) & various good times of the final-college-weekend variety.

((()))

And the next weekend, I head to OU, although I’m sure some of you are screaming “WHAT THE EFF?!” about that one. I’m staying with Peebs & celebrating Greek Week & perhaps meeting up with a certain aforementioned someone. And I can’t wait!

I am just so happy right now. I can’t even express it all, but it’s there. I am normal. The normal-person kind of happy, & it’s a glorious feeling. THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE. (PS, go here)

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