July 24, 2005
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“She was in the habit of taking things for granted.” –Hot Hot Heat-
Trouble in paradise? Who even knows. I want to cry most of the time & I’ve run out of words to explain why. I used to think he’d understand everything, but now I’m always afraid he’ll leave me if I start losing my willpower to be happy.
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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about
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And speaking of friends, and trouble in paradise, who even knows again. Sometimes it just feels like I put way more in than I ever get back, you know? This isn't aimed at anyone in particular- just a general feeling these days. I feel displaced on the friend front, too, I guess, never sure where I belong...
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Fall job = zero. Nothin’ doin’ on that front… I’m lazy & scared & generally lethargic & haven’t applied anywhere but the Nat yet, which doesn’t feel hopeful in the pit of my stomach. I need an internship but I’m so damn afraid that I can’t even begin to look.
I’ve been in this funk for three days now. I’m trying hard not to be but I just feel so sluggish & lackluster, like everything has lost its shine. I sure hope this is a temporary condition…
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Comments (10)
hey~
(((((hugs))))) i'm so sorry you're so down. i know exactly how you feel tho. as you've read in my posts before (or however far you've actually read back), i experience depression on a semi-regular basis and it becomes very frustrating to deal w/ i know. i am medicated to manage mine or i would have been dead long ago i'm afraid. i've had some close calls, but at any rate, i'm here for a reason. i have faith that you'll pull out of this depression, no matter how hard it is right now. if you ever need to talk, i'm just an e-mail aweay sweetie! please know that i'm totally here for you even though i barely know you. my heart just aches for you.
this movie ice princess was very good. i love ice skating anyhow, so it was fun to watch. i really liked it. it was a very cute movie. what songs was i singing? i don't remember anymore. some were christian, some were country, some were pop. lol. it was just a good day that day. i need to update one of these days tho. my heart just isn't into it. i should, but what i should do and what i do do are two different things. i'm sure you understand how that is.
i better quit writing this book of mine. i see you have aim. are you ever on it? i'd add ya if it's okay w/ you. i'm on mine frequently. >hugs<
Katy- Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry that you too are going through a tough time, when it rains in pours, I guess. My mom, has a stimulator in her back to control and ease the pain she feels 24/7, due to severe back damage. The irony was after multiple surgeries, this implant was begining to due it's job. Oh well...life goes on full speed ahead I guess. Thank you again, and I'll be thinking about you. You have at least one friend at Kent, granted I'm a CF'er too, but hey, it's a start. Chin up, hun. And thank you.
-Kara Anne
hey~
i agree that it could be very thereputic upon both of us to talk and chat. we could become good friends after all. 
i could always use more friends, especially close ones at that. oh, the lyrics i posted are from a christian group called zoegirl. they are really good. a lot of their songs are fitting, but that one just slid on me like a glove. it's neat when that happens. well, hopfully we catch one another online soon. >hugs<
i added you to my aim list. i, myself have attempted suicide, so i understand well the side of the person committing. i had an online friend commit suicide, as well, which was painful. i'd never met her in person, but boy did i cry when she passed on. we can talk more later about it though. it seems we've got a bit in common. i don't comment to many people very often actually. only when i feel a connection to someone these days, and somehow, i felt a connection (friendship) to you. now i know why i guess.
thanks
Well because i'd have to buy a parking pass that is like 500000 miles away from where i am, which would kind of defeat the purpose of having a car there. It's ok though i guess because my sister is down there and she has her car if i need to get home and stuff. I'm just bummed.
cute site...did yours get a makeover too, or have i just been slacking on my xanga reading?
Hey Katy thanks for the advice and i will definitly come to you for help if I need it. Also I know what you're going through all to well, if you ever need to talk or need anything at all just let me know.
we miss you too hun. watching stupid television without someone to make fun of us just isn't the same.
come visit soon, you've got friends here. i promise you that.
*xors
Katy, oh Katy. How alike we are... First of all, about Kevin - If you think he'll leave you because he won't understand, then let him. If he doesn't care enough to stay with you and comfort you even if he doesn't understand, then he's simply not worth it. But if he's as wonderful has you've been saying he is, then I think you're worrying over nothing.
You may feel a little out of place at Kent, but I know you'll fit in perfectly, Katy! You, like so many other people I know, always seem to underestimate your likeability. You will find friends there who didn't go to Falls, and I bet it'll happen quite easily. And even if you end up hanging out with a few Falls-ites, that can't really be that bad, can it? As long as they're the kind of people you deserve to be hanging around.
If you ever need someone at 2 AM, just call my cell phone and come over/pick me up. I would be overjoyed to fulfill my duties as your faux little brother
I love you!
i'm so tired of people faking compassion on a fucking website. you know my number and where i live if you need to talk. i'm still your friend. do it, i want you to. (you won't)
well, as far as something that i can type into a machine, i would say the same thing that i've been saying forever, but i don't know if you've ever actually listened to me. stop worrying. honestly, don't even worry about school and just fucking do it. go to class and don't think about the other people in it or even the grade you're pulling. just realize that you're doing it, that you're going to school for a reason. not that you need to find yourself or friends or any of that bullshit, that will just come naturally. it will. do not worry about trying to MAKE that happen. you'll be much happier because of it.
and this is going to sound ridiculous, but don't spend so much time that you do on relationships (i mean this by saying with kevin, because i've seen that he makes you happy). you worry so much with whoever that you're dating that it produces a reverse effect and actually AFFECTS your current relationship with whoever you are dating. theres no reason that you should stop being happy. so if he makes you happy, don't worry about other people at all. you just need to focus that's all. and whoever that is, you will be able to focus on will be extremely lucky. don't date someone because you think that's what you should do for your future. do it because they make you happy and are comfortable to be around. essentially, you see the future before you see the present. enjoy and revel in everything current.
and as far as the job front goes, go out tomorrow and apply to at least 4 places. no excuses, everything else can wait. nothing else matters. all it is, is a little application. do it. there is no tomorrow, just today. you'll feel better afterwards.
honestly, all you need is a little kick in the butt to get things going again and you'll be alright. because you ARE alright. more than you realize.
sorry this is so long. i get long winded when i've had a few to drink. but just know this is all intended from the most respectul and friendly way possible. there is most definitely no harm intended here. give me a call sometime. (you freakin' won't). annnnnd a goodnight to you. (the new dane cook cd/dvd comes out on tuesday FYI. yessss)
hey! thanks for coming to my site. yeah corn dogs are always good. have you ever tried the one from Hot Dog On A Stick?
Yeah... that's all I can say. I've been out of the picture lately, I know. Trust me, that's a good thing. All I've been doing is talking about my troubles, flipping out, being bitchy, and having panic attacks. I'm talking major breakouts, stomach problems, migraines, the whole bit.
And I feel bad because everyone is all excited about going out and to parties and other summer activities. Meanwhile, I'm just hoping to survive the next couple monthes.
I will promise that if I'm invited to your birthday bash, I will indeed be there. No excuse, unless I'm like dying. Hope you get back out of your slump, Kate. Ttyl.
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