September 24, 2005
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“It’s true what you said; I live like a hermit in my own head.” –Death Cab for Cutie-
When the “Clovers” left me I was so fucked up that I thought no one else would ever want to be friends with me. I had these friends who I thought were so great & then they abandoned me when I needed them most & I was desperately afraid that it would happen all over again. I refused to notice that people liked me and, hey, even wanted to be friends with me. I pushed people away, mainly would-be sorority friends… because I was afraid of being the one who didn’t work out again. I was afraid of being left behind, of being the “weird” girl again.
And so I shut myself off & I shut myself up & no one ever saw me for what I was. If they saw it, they couldn’t get to it, because I could never be myself at OU after that first year. I was so hurt & so scared & so insecure about my worthiness as a friend that I turned away from everyone, no matter how badly I ached for them.
And now, I’m me again. Now, I’m who I’ve been inside all along, who I am supposed to be. I talk to the girls from OU who I should have been friends with- the girls I should have stuck around for. I talk to them & I wish they could see me now, as I really am, because they never got that from me. They only saw little pieces of it- and now, I’m back & in full swing & I wish I could have a do-over on the whole OU thing.
A wise young man once said, “Regret, you’ll find, at best is a waste of your time.” So I don’t regret- and finally, my bitterness is gone, because it was no one’s fault but my own that I became the way I did. I lost respect for some people & was disappointed in others, but I don’t care anymore. They’re just another experience that made me stronger…
So I don’t regret… I just miss the people, and what I could have been with them while I was there, if only I could’ve pulled myself together. I’m so grateful to have myself back in the spirit & soul & sense of mind that I belong in… and I miss the girls I should have been with all along during my three years in
Less then a month til my first visit. I can’t wait.
Comments (11)
All you can do is be you now and move forward.
I'm happy for you.
That's awesome.... have fun visiting OU.... I know you will!! Are you going for a Halloween thing???
~Liv
i've lived by the fact that regret is a waste of my time for the majority of my life. it's what's gotten me through some very rough spots (including the death of my father). take it to heart, and you'll be unstoppable.
you'd better get ahold of me while you're here. i gotta slap you around for leavin, and gotta remind you what it is to party OU style ;) :-*
*xors
sorry love the protected post is now up.
i love you and i cant wait to see you...sorry i didnt get a chance to call you back any earlier. i was taking care of drunk asses that can NEVER seem to NOT be drunk. ahem cassie nostrant and anorexia aly stiefel. god love em but seriously now...every weekend this crap happens.
anyways...you are marked on my calender for when you are coming and i am totally EXCITED!
miss you.
I wish I would have been one of those girls you "should have been wiht"
But alas... we were weird, and I was not...
Have fun when you come down for homecoming, I mean it.
The girls really miss you.
i am SO happy that you're happy Kate. You deserve the best and i really hope i get to see you when you're in Athens. I'm withsrawing from sigma Kappa on Monday so i wont see you around there... but maybe we can meet up!! Let me know when you'll be around!!!
Love,
Caiti
i cant WAIT!
ps. im coming home the weekend of october 7-9. i think.
"forget regret, or life is yours to miss"...i am broadway nerd...
I can't wait to see you!!!
just wanted to let you know that "we" didn't leave you. you abandoned us. we still asked if you wanted to hang out, you just said no, we wanted to help you, i promise. each & every one of us. i'm pretty sure if you wouldn't have drifted, we would all still be friends now...i'm sorry things had to work out that way...
can't wait to see you on homecoming!
your ex,
*kiko*
Just wanted to agree with Kiko.....it's not like we got up and moved away...u just started yelling at everyone and being all moody all the time. No one wants to be around someone who complains and is a downer. And I'm obviously not the sympathetic type so it wasn't in my nature to be all comforting....and for that I'm sorry.
It seems like you're much happier now and I'm glad for it. I know we definately didn't leave things in the best state but I'm glad you feel better about yourself.
Enjoy Homecoming and seeing everyone...I won't be there but it would be nice to see you, so I hope you come visit in the winter or spring sometime too.
Embie
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