October 7, 2005
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Every once in awhile, I become absurdly introspective. Today is one of those times.
I am so ridiculously happy with my life right now. Do I miss people? Yes. Do I wonder how things would have turned out had I chosen different paths along the way? Certainly. Do I want to change things about myself & my life right now? Of course.
But on the whole… I thank God every day for what I’ve been given, and for the support system I have. Few of you truly realize how close I was to suicide earlier this year… but I’m still here. And I’m staying. And man, am I glad. I thank God for the friends & family I have- for all the love in my life that keeps me going & for the spark of hope that I never lose, even when I’m at my worst.
I used to think Dashboard’s song “Vindicated” was a total; sell-out song, and I basically still do. But today as I finished taking an exam that I thought I’d for sure bomb (that I didn’t), the lyrics came to me & I couldn’t get rid of them… and I realized how true they are to my life.
“I am vindicated; I am selfish; I am wrong. I am right (I swear I’m right), I swear I knew it all along. And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.”
Did it take pills to get me here? Sure as hell, it did. But it took a lot more than that, too. It took SO MUCH & unless you’ve experienced it, I don’t know if you can understand what an effort it is to finally be happy when you’re struggling with a disease that keeps you from being so.
Am I super-duper-happy all the time? No… but who is? Now, when I’m unhappy, it’s still a stable unhappy. I can deal with small things now. I can balance my emotions. And I’m NOT ashamed of where I’ve been, or what I’ve felt, or what I’ve dealt with, or how I dealt with it. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve been to therapy, or that I’m on Prozac, or that I honest-to-God thought I was going crazy for awhile.
I always knew that I could be okay- it was just a matter of getting myself there. And now… I’m there. I’m here. I’m fine. I’m happy. And for once in my life, I can honestly say that I feel stable.
And I will never underestimate myself like that again.
Thank God.
Comments (9)
Congrats!
You seem like an amazingly awesome person!
Take care.
everyone feels crazy once in awhile...i felt that way this summer, im happy for you that your better cuz i know how it feels so be so sad u dont wanna live and then u finally realize how great things are and u feel joy again....
You can appreciate being happy so much more the further in the other direction you've been - I'm glad you're honest-to-God happy
You should never be ashamed of anything in your past; we all make mistakes, but, for better or worse, no matter how small, they make us who we are today, and that is a comforting thought.
I'm glad you feel good. Life is not a thing to be borne (despite what Catholics may say), it's good to enjoy it. ;o)
you are so amazing sometimes that i cant believe that you are one of my best friends. im SO HAPPY for you, so happy that you finally have found your place in this wonderful, wonderful world.
i love you. sorry hanging out didnt work tonight, but im alll over it tomorrow. XOXO.
This is exactly how I've been getting through life for the past few years!!!
You are awesome!
*hey*
i totally relate to being on meds to get you where you are. you encourage me so much by how far you've come in the short while i've known you. i don't know how close to suicide you've come this year, but i can certainly understand it as i've likely come just as close and it's a scary and uncomfy kind of close. thank you for your support all this time. i appreciate it so much! >hugs<
i dont know how you are going to read this...but i do understand how you feel. i love you. and you know you always have my support.
so your practically the same person as me. interesting
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