November 30, 2005
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“All I need’s a few more dollars & I’m outta here to stay.” –Newsies-
I am at max annoyance capacity. I pray to God that I get this summer internship, simply because it would mean six weeks of not being at home. And by home, I don’t mean ‘
My mom is probably reading this. Oh, well. Hi, Mom.
I’m sick of being judged for everything I ever say or do. I’m sick of not being able to choose my own TV channels & crack my knuckles when I want & chew my pens & have a messy bedroom. I’m sick of being criticized for what I eat, wear, say & think. I’m sick of “Can I make a comment?” & being told how & when to do everything. I’m sick of feeling guilty if I don’t want chicken, or meatballs, or if I’m not home for Gilmore Girls. I want to write my resume myself & make myself notes to call the doctor. I’m sick of well-intended reminders & well-researched computer print-outs on every aspect of my life.
I am 21 goddamn years old. I pay for my own food & clothes & gas & whatever else I can afford, working less than 10 hours a week and taking 18 hours of classes. I get good grades & I work damn hard to keep my life on track, especially after a miserable, life-altering year. I AM SICK OF BEING TREATED LIKE A MIDDLE SCHOOLER. I love being near her… but not always with her.
Ever seen Now & Then? Samantha was right- you can never go home again.
To top it all off, I got hardcore rear-ended today on
Comments (14)
You are representing so many of my feelings. I understand you so well. I told my mom I dropped Spanish for next semester and added French instead. She got mad.
Sorry about your accident. Are you okay? Well, I guess you wouldn't be posting the same day on Xanga if you weren't...
Keep your chin up. Your independence and self-reliance will get you somewhere.
I got rear ended on Summit Street last year and my whole car was totaled, damn sucky ass drivers
*It's not that I'd rather be with them, it's just I feel more wanted when I am. I know nothing has changed really. I don't exactly know what it is, but I feel like an alien when I'm with the group. Like last night, I just kinda stood there while you guys were talking and I felt like I was on display and everyone thought I was some foreign object. I knew when ya'll turned 21, I would be left behind a lot, but like I said, I expected that. It just sucks to be out and then all of a sudden have to leave because everyone but me wants to go somewhere else. It doesn't work like that when I'm with my other friends. I don't end up goin home alone by myself while everyone else gets to go out and make inside jokes, that I might get explained to me the next day. Like I said, it just kinda sucks, and like you said, I'll be there eventually, but for now, that's just how I feel*
*Moving out would totally be ideal, wouldn't it! I can't wait! Oh wait... I'm lacking one thing. MONEY!!! Oh to be young and poor!*
*Oh and I'm sorry about the rear-ending! Accidents suck! Hope you're okay! I'm sure Silvia will make it!*
i totally understand what you going through (as we've discussed). hang in there, you'll be able to get out soon.
i was once in your shoes...your EXACT shoes.
before i transferred to OU
and i totally know how you feel and im sorry
cause the place you are in...sucks.
but i know that you are also strong and you can get through it.
at least you just cracked your bumper...instead of totaling your car...like i did
i love you. and if you need anything...you know where im at
soon enough we will be home with you. take care of yourself
does your mom make you clean your room before you go out??!
...cause MINE DOES!
p.s. My plan of coming to visit next weekend may just have to be revoked...
Talk about being trapped at home - I've been stuck in quite a few ruts myself. I've single handedly taken care of a sick family member before we finally sent her to a nursing home. And did I mention I paid for her first few months there as well? Cars? I've been rear-ended twice, with luckily no damage. One blew up on me, though, with so much smoke I had to run from the car.
I'm not saying my problems were worse than yours because I babysat an octogenarian, but STILL, I know generally (I won't use the term "exactly", since we don't have identical problems) how you feel.
I mostly pay my way, too, but dear Mom always pestered me about school until I finally started going again. I still want to smoke inside (that's a sore subject, I know and that's my fault - sorry) and just take a nap for one day without being reminded to run an errand or something. I want to get wireless internet access like they have at the cafe downtown so I'm not cut off everytime someone picks up the phone to make a call. I want to watch my horror movie collection upstairs on the nice TV without offending someone or grossing them out.
Until you get that internship (and I know you will, why the hell would they turn someone like YOU down?), just remember that you have a place you CAN call home and that you also have person(s) in it that love you. Try not to worry about being treated like a kid too much - that's just maternal instinct on your mom's part. Hey - at least she cares, right?
In the meantime, watch a funny movie and cheer up. I recommend "What About Bob?". The independence part will come, some parts more slowly than others. I have to get my oil changed in my car myself and make an appointment for the dentist/contacts myself, and then do my own bills myself. And then pay for the groceries. And just last night I had to go all the way to Cleveland (it was a long ride) to participate in a potential strike vote with buddies of mine from work. Yet my mother still insists on balancing my checkbook for me (she works at a bank, figures).
Hang in there. We've all got our share of problems...
Wow, that was a long post. Just realized that now. Guess I have you to thank for insipring that huge output from me *smiles*.
Sorry to hear of your bad day. It is definetly a really weird experience to taste "freedom" and then to come back and have to live by somebody elses rules again. There are things I still really miss about home, but I really do love being able to do my own thing. Though I can't say my parents were ever really too strict with me because they really weren't. Here's to hoping you get that summer internship! : )
forget that old saying.
when life hands you lemons... grab a bottle of jose cuervo.
muahaha. ok, just kidding. but, this too shall pass. i know living at home (especially after not living there) can be the hardest thing EVER but one day you'll look back and wish you could live there again (at least in some respects). just keep smiling. the rest will fall into place.
Hey, you. I know it's rough right now. It's probably way worse because you've already lived on your own and now you're back at home. Just remember your mom loves you and she's just being motherly such- one day we'll have kids and we'll be doing the same thing to them, as scary as that sounds! Sorry, that's probably not much comfort right now. Just hang in there- hopefully you will get that internship and then it won't be too long before you can really be out on your own. So try to enjoy your mom while you can, and remember that you will be out of there soon. "Dreams come true, yes they do...."
Love you.
I'm sure that it's tough living at home...I had a hard time with it just over the short weekend; I think that parents, when you get to a certain age and become more independent, WANT to be useful, and they WANT you to be dependent upon them. I know it's hard, like I said, I loved being home over break, but at certain points you feel like you're under house arrest. I'll pray for your internship, pray for mine too!
you're indecisive too...we all are...so there!
Oh, sweetie . . .
it's a bitch being the age you are, and living at home.
You're an adult ~ yet, your momma doesn't wanna let go.
I don't know how you're feeling ~ I can't even pretend to know . . .
I was living on my own when I was 18 ~ and never went back.
But I see how this sort of thing affects my sister in-law.
She's 30, and is dealing with this.
Hang in there.
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