March 10, 2006

• “Baby, black, black is all you see. Don’t you want to be free?” –Cat Power-

  
  

   

  
  

  It’s funny, sometimes, the things you realize when you’re lying to yourself. When you’re trying to tell yourself that everything is alright & it’s really not, little realizations come creeping in, seeping in, through cracks in the lies & they hit you hardest because you thought you’d shielded yourself from the truth.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’m lost again, I think. It’s that old feeling, the one I always had at OU, that there’s not really anyone here who knows me, or who cares about me like I care about them. I’m sick of people being fake, staying in relationships and friendships for the sake of the words & for the sanity of the people around them. I see what’s going on but I’m too much of a coward to act on anything… for the sanity of the people around me.

  
  

   

  
  

  It’s funny that the people who like me best are the ones who know me least. I wonder what that says about me – am I, deep down, someone who’s not worth liking once you get to know me? On the other hand, I wonder what it says about the people who know me – do they have me pigeonholed, or do they REALLY know? Have I been given the chance to be myself? Does ANYONE know "myself"?

  
  

   

  
  

  Also funny is that lately, the only place where I feel like a normal person is when I’m at school, and in the Stater office. Funny because I don’t know any of those people, and only three or four of them actually even know my name. But I’m myself when I’m writing in there & swapping stupid stories with people I’ve never really met. And the fact that I realize that is, perhaps, the most pathetic realization on the planet.

  
  

   

  
  

  There are a lot of people I know, Kent State people, with whom I desperately want to be friends. But you can't be desperate about friendship because then you alweays feel like you owe the other person something, for taking you in when you practically begged them to. So even though there are these people I like so desperately much, I don't do anything about it because you can't force a friendship & you can't expect these people to desperately want to be YOUR friend...

  
  

   

  
  

  I wonder where all the people are who WANT to be my friends. The ones I haven’t met yet – they must be out there somewhere. There’s a group out there for everyone, I think, and I wonder where all of my people are and when on earth I will find them & finally feel comfortable in my own skin in the presence of friends.

  
  

   

  
  

  Note: Don't comment on this if you're going to be patronizing.

  • 2:25 pm
  • 5 Comments