May 8, 2006

• Ready for a novel? Here goes… I sincerely hope SOMEONE reads this.

  
  

   

  
  

  “When all you’ve got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do.” –All-American Rejects-

  
  

   

  
  

  What a year. I can’t believe I’m a Flash. I can’t believe I’ve made it through an entire year at Kent State without falling apart. Not only have I not fallen apart, I’ve stuck together more than ever. And that, my friends, may be nothing short of a miracle.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t lonely, & we all know I’m trying not to lie anymore. I’m still lonely a lot. I think about Dave every single day, & I don’t think I will ever “get over” the guilt of losing him on the terms we were on when he died.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’m lonely when I think about the people I’ve lost & the friendships that have disintegrated within the past few months. I think of my old friends every day, when I see things they’d appreciate or hear songs that were ours & know I can’t call them up. I’m lonely every day when I remember that this isn’t just a break; this is the real thing.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’m lonely when I consider this new breakup & the fact that it’s probably not a break, either… and that if it is, it may be a very long one. I fell in love this year, but I was not able to maintain the morale needed to be in the sort of relationship I emotionally would like to be in. I’m lonely when I consider the fact that maybe I’ll never be able to uphold a healthy, monogamous relationship.

  
  

   

  
  

  So I’m lonely a lot. But aren’t we all?

  
  

   

  
  

  Because then I think of this year & all of the things I have done for myself. I think about the articles I had in the paper & the position I was given for next year. I think of the grades I got & the money I made & the people who have become a part of my life. I consider the fact that on the first day of classes, I met one of my best friends, & he’s still around. When I think about Ameir & Elise & Jackie & Amanda, I have hope that “alone” is not the place for me.

  
  

   

  
  

  Part of me doesn’t want summer to come because I’m afraid I’ll have to start all over next year. I was just getting on a roll with my happiness at Kent, & now summer threatens to wipe the slate clean. What if next year begins & I’m alone again? Then what?

  
  

   

  
  

  But I know I have to have more faith than this. I know I won’t fall apart when the new school year starts. If I haven’t fallen apart yet, I never will. These past two years have been two of the most trying years of my life, & I am still together. I am still me; in many ways, I am “a better version of me.”

  
  

   

  
  

  And the summer that intrudes upon the smooth transition I was trying to make will only make me try harder. It means I will come back stronger in the fall, ready to better my life even more, & ready to strengthen friendships I’ve started to make. I won’t lose these people – no, not these ones. They get me. In a lot of ways, it’s funny to think that people I’ve known for less than a year know me better than so many of the people who have known me forever.

  
  

   

  
  

  I never thought the time would come when I wasn’t afraid to be myself; when I could wear clothes from the thrift store & tell stories at full volume & have stupid hair… & not be afraid. But I’m not afraid around these people, not anymore. And it can only get better – if I’ve already opened myself up to four of these people, there have to be more to come.

  
  

   

  
  

  This year was truly a learning, growing experience. I am so blessed to have made the decision to come to Kent. For all my fears & all my hesitation, I know that I made the right decision. I am scared, but I am strong.

  
  

   

  
  

  Props if you read this far. I wouldn’t have.

  • 12:43 am
  • 3 Comments