July 4, 2006

• “Clarity for Kate”…

  
  

   

  
  

  The 4^th of July is the one holiday that, to its core, reminds me of Dave. No matter who I spend it with, it will always be Dave’s holiday. If he were alive, maybe I would have been able to forget the night we got back together at the Lake Anna fireworks, or at least move away from its  memory. The night we kissed on the hill, when I was forgiven for the mistakes I had made, before I had a chance to make the unforgivable ones.

  
  

   

  
  

  Everyone who has ever read “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” has been able to pinpoint a moment in their lives when they felt infinite, & if you have not been able to find this moment, you will pine for it, ache for it, try to discern whether maybe you had it & didn’t realize it… but if you did, you know it, and if you didn’t, you’ll know it when it comes.

  
  

   

  
  

  That was my infinite night, my infinite moment. Laughing under a blanket on the hill long after the fireworks had ended, kissing & feeling & talking & just letting ourselves be happy, Dave & I were infinite. A middle-aged woman walked by us, told us that if she were as youthful & opportunistic as we were, she’d be doing the same thing. We were something to envy.

  
  

   

  
  

  Four years later feels like a lifetime. Four years later, Dave is dead & so is much of my innocence. I’ve never felt that way again. I’ve never had another moment of such sheer, unadulterated, blissful happiness. In that moment, I’d never felt so hopeful, or so lucky, and my future never felt so promising. Four years later, I am a mess of lies & broken promises. I have manipulated & ruined & hardened. What giving up gets you & where giving up takes you, I’ve had & I’ve been.

  
  

   

  
  

  I wish I had known what loving him would give me, where it would take me, especially in his death. I wonder if, had I seen it coming, I’d have run the other way & abandoned the opportunity for that night, the best night of my life to date, & all the others like it that young love afforded me. I wonder if I would have given it all up to avoid feeling like this down the road.

  
  

   

  
  

  I promised I’d see this again. I promised I’d see this with you now…

  • 2:13 pm
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