August 9, 2006
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“Here I stand, six feet small, romanticizing years ago.” –John Mayer-
Never mind the fact that spending five years in college is perfectly normal these days, according to a gabillion articles I’ve read & TV specials I’ve seen. Never mind that.
Why can’t I find a single person from my elementary school besides myself who hasn’t already graduated from college? Everyone I grew up with… they’re all done. It kills me to see it on their goddamn Facebooks, “____ Alum, ’06.” These kids started school when I did & ended more than a year before me – ON TIME.
I just turned 22 & I have nothing to show for my life. I live at home & I go to a fucking townie bar every Friday night. I write some articles for a campus newspaper. I spent three years at a school that feels like a dream sequence to me, a school that forgot me as soon as I drove away from it, a school that usurped all my money & wasted my time, in many sense.
I’m doing what I can, & for the most part, I’m proud of my life… usually. That is, until I realize that I’m exactly like the people I never wanted to be, stuck in this hellhole of a suburban town, hanging out with the same people I’ve known all my life, doing the same things I’ve always done & working for the same employer I’ve been with for the better part of a decade.
It’s so hard to look ahead to what the future is going to bring when you’re stuck in a place you can’t seem to get a grasp on, a place you can’t seem to escape from. I can’t move out of my house because I can’t afford it; I can’t move out of this town because I can’t afford to. I’m stuck here for another year & then, G-d-willing, I’ll be as far away as humanly possible, at least mentally.
But what if I’m not? What if I can’t find anything? What if I really AM destined to be a lifer here? What if small-town mentality is my destiny? I’m working so hard to change it, but sometimes, when these ruts hit, it’s nearly impossible to keep my eyes on the prize.
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want
I’m stuck. This place is a starting point, not a sticking point. I need to make my life come together…
Comments (8)
"eyes on the prize"? kate, that is so cliche.
and you will get out of CF, because i don't think the stater will pay you after you graduate.. although everyone knows that we all WANT to work for the stater forever. (jooooking.)
p.s. i am classy. lol. not so intelligent though.. chewing on the end of a glowstick while the person behind the wheel is driving like a maniac is not exactly the smartest thing i've ever done. glowstick in mouth + crazy driver + sudden braking = pain.
Just because they've graduated doesn't mean they have it together. So many people go to college because it's the thing to do, and get done in four years, and don't know what the hell to do with their lives because they've gone with the flow for so long.
You, on the other hand, actually seem to have the drive to get out of here, to graduate, to move on. You went to D.C. for the summer without knowing a soul. You're independent, you're good at what you do, and you seem to enjoy it, so just because your degree may take you a Super Senior(!) year to finish doesn't mean you're stuck... at least you know what you want! That, my dear, puts you way ahead, so don't fret. Enjoy these last few months at the Nat and Stater and in Kent because you know that someday (very soon, for you!) we'll have jobs where we do even less for wayyy more money.
I actually rather miss Cuyahoga Falls. Where I live now is gorgeous in terms of nature scenery, but I miss having shopping malls and stores within like 5-10 minutes of my house and having my friends with me. Now it takes me about...a half an hour to get to any decent place to shop (like a mall or a Target) and my friends are all...back in Cuyahoga Falls, Akron, and Kent. I don't know...I just think Cuyahoga Falls was a great town and it was my first home and I will always love it and I miss living there sometimes. I guess some people just want to live in the big towns with all the rush, but I can't see living somewhere like NYC or something. I get what you mean though and I'm sure you will make it. Try not to worry.
hey...im graduating college in 6 years. my little sister and i will probably graduate at the same time. there's nothing wrong with it. i mean, you're only young once...and when college is over the real REAL world starts to kick in. Enjoy your extra year of school...while your friends are busy paying off their loans, heh.
Trust me, whether you moved to another apartment, another town, another state, I guarantee that you would still feel exactly as you do now. No happier or no worse. The scenery may change, but you'd be the same kate (who, by the way, I think is pretty darn terrific the way she is). I know, it's happened to me. Moving never solves your problems; they always end up following you wherever you go.
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<33 Kiley
i just read this. wow. i honestly could have written that at any point in my last few years too. i know syracuse seems like a dream to me anymore, and what do i have to show for it? lots of student loans and only about 2 good friends. even still, i don't think i would trade it because who knows what else i would have done and what would have happened there. i've now officially switched my major/intention 23453 times and landed on nursing by default. that being said, i started college in fall of '02 and i'm still going... and far from being done. i mean, taking 1.5 years off means that it will take me 6 years of actually taking classes, but in real life years it will take me 7. hello, i'll be spending almost a decade fucking around. does this get to me? definitely. i'm graduating in 2009 if everything goes right!! WHAT. true, this includes undergrad and 2 years of nursing, but i mean, who would subject themselves to this much school? what other choice do i have? i did move away from home (well, from the suburbs) and i'm in an apartment but i still go through all the same things you do. AND, i think about going back home all the time to save money. paying rent is the dumbest thing EVER and what i wouldn't do it have that $450 a month back in my pocket. you are an intelligent person and just because you didn't finish in four years does not make you any less so. i'll bet you a HUGE percentage of the people you know that have already graduated are without jobs, living at home and not being rockstars at life like you think. like you said, there are so many people who take time off, can't afford school or help raise younger siblings/take care of parents or any number of things and don't even start school until they're like 26 and stuff. that doesn't mean they're dumb either. i grew up in an incredibly wealthy area... but i wasn't. sure, so i looked at everyone else and thought i was a failure. a handful of kids from my graduating class have died from overdose, dropped out of school, gotten pregnant, etc. are they still better than me? they never were but the only difference is now i can step back and see things from a more worldly opinion. we are doing just fine, katy, and keep that chin up because it's hard to see how amazing things are in front of you when you're looking down at your feet.
xoxo. keelie.
so apparently u hafta log into this ish to say something...its stephieee btw...had completely forgotten about my xanga, its 9am on a sunday mornin and someone said something about random places in ohio y'day so i thought of u and decided to stalk u as all good citizens do on a sunday mornin...
honestly kate, the numbers of the age and the "years" it takes to graduate college mean nothing and you know this. dont let the fear override u. u know what u want and it will come, sometimes we arent always ready but we gotta jump onboard anyway. u never know the experiences a person has and what has made them who they are, but your experiences may you special and they make you stand out and create a wonderful person. if i'd let the fear override me i wouldnt have accomplished nearly half as much as i have. and i think u can do it too, the hardest part is to get the ball rolling and i think that after coming back from dc u r in a unique position to start it. i wish u all the best. keep it real. keep in touch. and if u ever happen to b in the area u always got a place to stay. lots of love
~stephieee
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