“Who do you think you are? Hahaha, bless your soul…. Do you really think you're in control?” –Gnarls Barkley-

I was really excited to go to the Kent bars for Laura Ben’s 21^st tonight, but I don’t have anyone to go with & I’m too chicken to head out there alone… so I guess I’m not going. Lame.

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I just miss the way things were. I hate being bitter, & I hate being sad. I’m not really angry anymore… I just wish I weren’t the only one still holding out for reconciliation. I know things changed & that it was primarily because of the things I did. But as long as I’m this city, I don’t know how to fully move on. Even when I think I have, I find myself aching to be included like “old times.”

I have to keep reminding myself that these are new times…

((()))

On another note, I AM mad that some people just can’t keep their nasty comments to themselves. If you don’t like me, shut up. Just don’t talk to me. Don’t fake liking me & then say something cruel & play it off like you didn’t. I’m so tired of never knowing who my friends are. If you hate what I did so much, can’t you just leave me alone?

I don’t know why I waste my emotions holding out for people who are over me when there are probably people out there who are still into me. I want to feel like a part of something again, have people to go out with who I care about & who care about me in return… & just start having fun again.

 I want to feel like a friend again. I miss it... 

...... 

i’m tired of being alone

so hurry up & get here

“Let us live to make men free…”

As I was leaving my neighborhood today to go to work, I was held up by the funeral procession for Cpl. Joe Tomci, the Stow Marine who was killed in Iraq last week. Dozens & dozens of people lined Rt. 59, waving American flags to honor him as the procession rolled by. A Boys Scout Troop was there, and some veterans in their own army uniforms, saluting Tomci’s family.

He was my age. He went to school with my friends, graduated with them. I cried as the procession drove by, & held my hand over my heart like you do when you say the Pledge of Allegiance. The signs at businesses down Rt. 59 were all dedicated to him, with messages like “Rest in Peace, Joe” and “God Bless our Marines.”

But the one that got me was even simpler than that. I bawled when I saw it. It was on the sign to the Silver Lake Florist Shop:

 Semper Fi, Cpl. Tomci

“When autumn comes, it doesn’t ask. It just walks in where it left you last.” –John Mayer-

I spent a really wonderful weekend with Jason. On Friday we went to the State Fair to revisit our AOSFYC days, where we sang in the alumni portion of the ODNR show & ate $1 corndogs from the National Bank of Hot Dogs.

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Friday night: Sean’s going away party. Boooo. I mean, the party was fun, but Sean leaving isn’t so much. I’m going to try my damndest to make it to BG this year, hopefully for his 'Vendetta'-themed “5^th of November” party.

I spent last night in Youngstown meeting Jason’s sibs & friends & cooking hot dogs on a bonfire. He has the cutest cats aliiiiive. I feel like if I can’t move out, my mom ought to let me get a cat. Good plan, yes?

((()))

Summer has gone really quickly, but in a lot of ways, it feels as though it’s been ages since I was in school. Even my Ethics class seems like a long time ago. Machon Kaplan was such a large chunk of my summer that with it in the past, I feel like anything else was forever ago.

“I’m not ready to make nice. I’m not ready to back down.” –Dixie Chicks-

Tonight my mom as much as told me that when I wear my hair in a faux-hawk, it reminds her of that infamous scene in “There’s Something About Mary.” Ohhhh, wow.

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The wonderful miss Sarah Glassman sent me the most fabulous birthday care package I’ve ever received in my life. Seriously, it made me so happy. It was all wrapped in neon green duct tape with hot pink address labels & a Hebrew “Happy Birthday” sticker. She sent me all kinds of goodies, including a Chipotle gift card, handmade earrings and chocolate-covered Twizzlers. Amazing, I know. I actually cried.

Sam & I went to the State Fair yesterday, where I “auditioned” for an Oscar Mayer commercial singing the “my bologna has a first name” song. In other news, we ate approximately four potatoes throughout the course of the day but were not privileged enough to witness the birth of any farm animals.

((()))

Speaking of the fair, I’m going with the lovely Jason Madeline on Friday, & I couldn’t be any more excited. If I were him, I would have stopped being friends with me a long time ago, but somehow, he still likes me enough to talk to me on the phone for an hour & a half at 2 a.m. What a great guy.

Today I interviewed four of the university’s top administrators… successfully, thanks to a late-night pep talk & a little feigned confidence. Every time I effectively complete an article I feel one step closer to competence for this fall reporting assignment. Bring it onnnn, KSU.

“Here I stand, six feet small, romanticizing years ago.” –John Mayer-

Never mind the fact that spending five years in college is perfectly normal these days, according to a gabillion articles I’ve read & TV specials I’ve seen. Never mind that.

Why can’t I find a single person from my elementary school besides myself who hasn’t already graduated from college? Everyone I grew up with… they’re all done. It kills me to see it on their goddamn Facebooks, “____ Alum, ’06.” These kids started school when I did & ended more than a year before me – ON TIME.

I just turned 22 & I have nothing to show for my life. I live at home & I go to a fucking townie bar every Friday night. I write some articles for a campus newspaper. I spent three years at a school that feels like a dream sequence to me, a school that forgot me as soon as I drove away from it, a school that usurped all my money & wasted my time, in many sense.

I’m doing what I can, & for the most part, I’m proud of my life… usually. That is, until I realize that I’m exactly like the people I never wanted to be, stuck in this hellhole of a suburban town, hanging out with the same people I’ve known all my life, doing the same things I’ve always done & working for the same employer I’ve been with for the better part of a decade.

It’s so hard to look ahead to what the future is going to bring when you’re stuck in a place you can’t seem to get a grasp on, a place you can’t seem to escape from. I can’t move out of my house because I can’t afford it; I can’t move out of this town because I can’t afford to. I’m stuck here for another year & then, G-d-willing, I’ll be as far away as humanly possible, at least mentally.

But what if I’m not? What if I can’t find anything? What if I really AM destined to be a lifer here? What if small-town mentality is my destiny? I’m working so hard to change it, but sometimes, when these ruts hit, it’s nearly impossible to keep my eyes on the prize.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want Cuyahoga Falls to be my life. That, I’ve discovered, is my greatest fear – ending up here for any longer than I have to. In so many ways, I’ve already passed that point a thousand times over.

I’m stuck. This place is a starting point, not a sticking point. I need to make my life come together…

her hips:
her hips are like seashells & i can hear the ocean when i listen.

(((  )))

jonah.
amazing.

“I’m lonely as a leper; I’m contagious as hell.” –Jonah-

I won’t be moving out. Turns out I cannot, after all, afford it. Back to the commuter’s life for me… I suppose this is good for me, as I need to learn how to actually save money, but it doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed as hell.

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My 22^nd birthday came & went without incident and, really, without much excitement. It was kind of like a normal CF weekend – Clubhouse Friday, Nick & Andrew’s Saturday. My “gifts” consisted of shots & cases of Miller Lite, but I also got some really elevating birthday wishes on my voicemail & Facebook wall.

I spent today in bed until 7:00 p.m. because I woke up throwing up again. It wasn’t a hangover; just another bout of ridiculous stomach gymnastics. I’m making doctor’s appointments tomorrow to figure out why I keep barfing.

((()))

Tonight is “The 4400” & then back to bed. What a freakin’ life… Are you sure I just turned 22 and not 72?

“No one can find the rewind button, girl.” –Anna Nalick-

This is my first Shabbat without the MKs… In very atypical fashion (for me), I lit the Shabbas candles alone, at my house, with tears streaming down my face & said the blessings aloud to myself. It’s funny the things you miss when you thought they didn’t matter to you.

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I’m happy to be home, don’t get me wrong. It’s familiar, it’s comfortable… it’s home. But in some odd way, I miss the MKs & D.C. so much that it almost physically hurts me. I don’t know where this feeling came from… it just did, & I hate it.

Tomorrow is my birthday, & I’ve never been less excited for it to come, which, if you know me, is saying a LOT. I usually love my birthday. But somehow, this one is shaping up to be lonely & bland, mostly Andrew’s celebration & people who care about him, mostly winging it & doing the same old, same old.

((()))

I’m not pity-partying, so don’t get annoyed. I’m just in a funk, one that happens to fall on my birthday, & so it’s bad timing all around.

Even though I like the person I’ve become since everything bad happened, I sometimes miss the way things were & the people I was with. I wish I could have the life I had then with the personality I have now – the best of both worlds… But I guess that even when it’s your birthday, you can’t have your cake & eat it, too.

“At least I got away with murder & all you got was my heart...” –Juliana Theory-

My schedule is preeeetty full for the next couple weeks. I have no idea how I’ll be paying for most of these activities, or when I’ll be making money, but I’m excited anyway. Somewhere in here, I hope to visit Megs at OU.

·          8/5: My 22^nd birthday!

·          8/7: Jonah Matranga at the Grog

·          8/8: State Fair with Sam

·          8/12: AOSFYC with Jason & Alex

·          8/26: Brandtson show at the Grog

·          8/28: Starting back up at KSU

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I’m so extremely pumped up about this potential moving out business that I can’t even see straight when I think about it. My mom really thinks we can make it happen, & living in Kent would make my Stater life so much easier… my fingers are triple-crossed for this.

Oscar Mayer’s new “hot dog in a bun” dealy freaks me out. How can that dawg possibly be tasty if you heat it up at the same time as the bun? Seriously. Gross.

((()))

My birthday, which is normally my “favorite holiday,” is shaping up to be pretty depressing this year. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little sad about it, but whatever, I guess. Things change; plans change; people change. It’s just a birthday, right?

Why are my entries so horribly boring these days??? I hope this isn’t a reflection of my personality. Ugh.

......

“So long, sweet summer. I stumbled upon you & gratefully basked in your rays.” –Dashboard Confessional-

I spent my first full night home going to a sketchy show for Ben & Jon’s band at “The Furnace House,” which turned out to be an actual residence, some dirty house with a fratty feeling to it. I’m pretty sure I had more testosterone than ¾ of the guys there – they were all ridiculously, hilariously “indie.”

I started back at the Stater today by making sure I get paid for my columns, & Jackie’s giving me some actual articles to write soon, too. Back in the swing of things…

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Our electricity went out today & all my popsicles melted.

EXCITING NEWS: I may be moving out! That’s right: into a 5-bedroom, 5-bath townhome with Cortney Mac & three other girls, in good old Kent. That would mean less commuting, more “real” Kent fun, & being closer to the newsroom in case important shiznit happens. AND FEELING LIKE A COLLEGE KID AGAIN!

((()))

I miss D.C. a lot. I thought I wouldn’t, but I do… The city, the people, the internship – all of it. Man, what a great summer.