My life is really just overwhelming me right now.
I’m proud of my Fusion story, I think, or at least I could me. All I really want is for my writing to be something special & somehow, it’s never enough. I want to be amazing; mediocrity is not cutting it for me.
But I don’t even have the energy to try for amazing.
I like a boy. I tried to tell myself I didn’t: I didn’t care, I didn’t remember, I didn’t give a damn. But I do... When I realized that he has a thing for one of my friends, it felt like a punch in the face. “You fucking idiot,” my heart keeps telling me, and somehow I never listen. I'm so tired of feeling ugly.
I want to cry every single day, but I don’t have the time or the weakness.
It’s not that I’m not happy. I am, I think, when I have the time to wonder whether or not I am. But I sleep too much & use up time I need for other things, things that pile up on me.
I’m not even a full-time student this semester. I’m part time, because I only need 3 more classes after this semester, but I wasn’t allowed to take them all right now. I’m ashamed, somehow, of that part-time status, like somehow it makes me less. Like I don’t deserve to be stressed.
I keep waiting for everything to fall apart.
I feel like everything is dangerously balanced.
I can’t keep this up for a whole semester, can I?
Comments (3)
wasn't this supposed to get easier/better as the semester progressed?
You know, I've about had it with the way our stupid society pressures us to be as busy as possible and to achieve insane amounts and then tells us we're not worth anything if we don't measure up to its ridiculous standards. There's no reason for you to feel ashamed for being part-time or for being stressed about it. Sometimes class workloads really are just too much and the expectations are unhealthy. It kills me that you feel ashamed when I know you work so hard. blah. sorry for my rant. I love you.
i just wanted to let you know that all great writers feel like you do about their writing, and this fictional character expresses what all great writers feel
Clarissa Vaughan - Why?
Richard Brown - Because I wanted to be a writer, that's all.
Clarissa Vaughan - So?
Richard Brown - I wanted to write about it all, everything that happens in a moment. Way the flowers looked when you carried them in your arms. This towel, how it smells, how it feels, this thread, all our feelings, yours and mine. The history of it. Who we once were, everything in the world, everything all mixed up. Like it's all mixed up now. And I failed. I failed... no matter what you start with, it ends up being so much less... terrifying pride, stupidity
(in other words i believe you are a beautiful writer...and it is natural...to think it is not enough)
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