February 18, 2005
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“I loved you & I should have said it, but tell me just what has it ever meant?” –Jimmy Eat World, again-
My legs hurt & I’m not sure why. It’s like maybe they’ve grown sick of holding me up, and they just want to stop, but even when I sit down to try to reason with them, they continue to ache.
My stomach is hungry & I finally ate. I got sick from last night’s dinner & I’m hoping it won’t happen again because I just want things to go back to normal- normal can begin with my digestive abilities.
My eyes keep crying even at the most inopportune times. Like when I went up to my Psychology teacher after class, to ask her questions about memory, to try to get some answers as to why the only person I know with a flawless memory would have lost so much of his past that he felt he couldn’t handle having a future.
I’m hazy & crazy & I keep listening to songs that I know he liked, & wondering what he felt when they were his songs. I can’t listen to his songs, not the ones about me, because they make me feel guilty. Sure, without me there would have been less music, but maybe without me there would have been less pain, too.
It’s been one week & one day & everyone has already moved on. I called my mom & she didn’t ask how I was doing, in that suggestive voice that means she’s not just asking about schoolwork. My sisters are back to normal, at least, ignoring me for the most part, or maybe it’s me who ignores them. No one asks & no one mentions & no one responds anymore when I want to discuss it…
They’re all discussed-out, apparently.
How could I ever run out of things to say about this?
Comments (13)
you know the number, don't hesitate...
hell, do you want me to seek you out!?
stop crying alone!...you know i'm good for vent.
CALL ME, geeeze
I know we don't know each other very well, but you and everyone else are still in my prayers every night and you will remain there, if you ever need to talk about anything, I always have an war and am willing to listen.......
hey... ummm.... well, i comment on here sometimes and ....i dont really know what to say... because no one really knows i guess... but.. i will pray for you.... youre an amazing girl even though i dont know you very much at all.... just remember... you are so lucky for having known him and...for having the memories....the good memories will give you the faith to go on... it's hard... probably more than hard.... and....... to be completely honest ... you wont forget...or run out of things to say.................. but things will get better.... i can promise you that.......
carey
i'm just a friend of joel's, actually.
i had to have read that one post of yours, like, six times. the one about dave's burial. and it made me cry, nay, weep every single time. (and i consider myself quite a cold/unemotional person.)
wow.
maybe this is not legitimate for me, and maybe i have no place to cry about this.
but your passion and your love and your words... they're beautiful. and i don't know you, but i love you for your strength.
please excuse my rather stalker-esque comment. i just thought i'd let you know.
I'd do anything I could to make you feel better, but I think the only thing that can fix things like this is time... and even time doesn't do a very complete job. Know that I love you.
You have a nice site too.
I know a million people have probably said this to you, but I'm sorry for your loss. My freshman year of high school I had a best friend since pre-school take his life so I can relate. It took me a very long time to even go back to school.
hope you feel better :
I have come to your site a million times to read, but didn't leave any comments because I felt stupid. However, I just want to say my thoughts are with you and Dave's family (and his friends as well). I can't say I know EXACTLY what you are going through, but kind of. In 2003 I had a friend who took his life as well and I do know how hard it can be and how devastating. I just hope you can find peace with you life and be happy.
I don't think anyone could run out of things to say about it. It's just that sometimes not talking about it helps some people, so more than likely people assume that would help you. Perhaps he wasn't the same person when all this happen, which is maybe all the more reason not to think about "what happened". Maybe like me, people think they might say the wrong thing. Joel is back to school and at least putting on a good front. He's such a good kid... he even asked about me!... which I think is sweet. I don't know, I'm babbling... but if you do want to talk about anything and everything, you know my number. Love ya... for real.
For someone who thinks they're out of people to talk to, you sure have a lot of comments. I know it's not the same, but it's better than holding it in. Email is good, too, for the things you only want to discuss in private. At any rate, we're here for you.
oh boy. nothing said is gonna make it right. my best friend when i was fourteen took her life, three days before i came back from england. i was never the same. but oh jesus, just remember, there are so many people here who love you and want you to be ok, that it makes each day a little bit more manageable. i cant pray for you, but i sure can hope to everything i belive in that things get more manageable.
oh... -_- i was wondering what happened to you... haha
Hey, I don't know you and you're probably starting to get weirded out by all these random comments from people who don't know you but saw you at the funeral and afterwards. I just wanted to let you know that the story you told, of Dave's paper star in your car on your 18th b-day, and how Joel screwed it up but was so cute about it, and how Dave was such a caring person.....it was really good to hear those positive things. And though I didn't know Dave and am just a friend of Joel's, I think it's been an huge help for all those who are mourning to hear the good memories and the funny stories. You'll be in my prayers, along with Joel and his family.
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