“I loved you & I should have said it, but tell me just what has it ever meant?” –Jimmy Eat World, again-

 

My legs hurt & I’m not sure why. It’s like maybe they’ve grown sick of holding me up, and they just want to stop, but even when I sit down to try to reason with them, they continue to ache.

 

My stomach is hungry & I finally ate. I got sick from last night’s dinner & I’m hoping it won’t happen again because I just want things to go back to normal- normal can begin with my digestive abilities.

 

My eyes keep crying even at the most inopportune times. Like when I went up to my Psychology teacher after class, to ask her questions about memory, to try to get some answers as to why the only person I know with a flawless memory would have lost so much of his past that he felt he couldn’t handle having a  future.

 

I’m hazy & crazy & I keep listening to songs that I know he liked, & wondering what he felt when they were his songs. I can’t listen to his songs, not the ones about me, because they make me feel guilty. Sure, without me there would have been less music, but maybe without me there would have been less pain, too.

 

It’s been one week & one day & everyone has already moved on. I called my mom & she didn’t ask how I was doing, in that suggestive voice that means she’s not just asking about schoolwork. My sisters are back to normal, at least, ignoring me for the most part, or maybe it’s me who ignores them. No one asks & no one mentions & no one responds anymore when I want to discuss it…

 

They’re all discussed-out, apparently.

 

How could I ever run out of things to say about this?

“I always believed in futures.” –Jimmy Eat World-

 

Adam & I went to see Sideways tonight & it was not good. Two different groups of people got up & left the theatre! Lowlights include a gross rough-sex scene followed by a sickening display of full-frontal nudity.

 

I’m watching Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone even though I ought to be copying notes for Psych & History for missing the last three days of classes… I can’t bring myself to care about school right now.

<<<>>>

 

I’ve had this problem lately where I just can’t eat, where nothing tastes good at ALL. I ordered DP Dough today & could hardly stomach it… in over 24 hours all I ate was half a granola bar & four Tic Tacs. Luckily, tonight the hunger bug struck & I had a kids’ meal from Sonic.

 

Can someone tell me why illness strikes at the worst possible time? Yeah, in case this wasn’t already the worst week of my life- and I mean that in the truest sense of the phrase-  please throw in the worst head cold ever, on top of it all, just for giggles. Thank God for Sudafed & not having class til 1:00.

((()))

 

I sold one of my dad’s old watches on eBay which means I am $55 closer to either A) a new tattoo or B) my first guitar. I should be saving my money, but some things are just more important, you know?

 

Don’t think that a normal post means I’m back to normal life because I’m not. I cry at random & all of my thoughts are fuzzy. It sickens me to think of & it probably always will… I’m not okay… but I’m going to be… I’m trying.

...Constants aren't so constant anymore...

“The sweet’s not as sweet without the sour.” –The Supporting Cast-

 

 The Brandtson show last night was amazing. They dedicated the whole show to Dave, and the seven of us rocked out like it was our jobs. They opened with “Mercy Medical” & I started to cry at “welcome to your funeral” but then I stopped & just went with the music, and Dave, and remembering & forgetting both at the same time. Brandon & I watched the clock strike 10:47 & instead of mourning it, we celebrated it.

 

 It’s harder here, with no one around… it’s harder here where no one knew him & where no one knows me, really, but I’m slowly seeing that if I seek people out, they are there for me. Maybe it’s not like it is at home, where friends come out of the woodwork as soon as there is trouble, but maybe that’s okay.

 

 I have so many amazing people in my life… so many people said so many things to me this weekend- you’d think that in the haze of the grief, I wouldn’t remember them, but I remember the important ones…

 

 I found a note from him the other day. It reads, “Stay strong & feel loved- because you are.” So that’s what I’m doing. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of release… so I’m going to kepe crying until I don’t need to anymore.

 

 Thank you, to all of you.

“I have the sense to recognize, but I don’t know how to let you go.” –Sarah McLachlan-

 

It is in his own words that I’m finding comfort— “Regret, you’ll find, at best is a waste of time.” This is not our fault, this is not my fault… I know, but it hurts just the same.

 

“And this Valentine’s, you were supposed to still be mine.” Songs about me, never intended to predict the future.

 

We buried my beautiful ex-boyfriend with my ring, our ring, the one he sang about in “Second Thoughts and Paper Hearts”… and we buried him with paper hearts that he would have appreciated, since he knew what it was like to try to make the heart shapes come out right. We buried him with cards & letters & fireworks & a lighthouse, with Jeremy’s lucky penny & someone’s watch, all carefully placed in his hand & at his side. 

 

And it rained, it rained, it rained. And the wind was strong like Dave was angry, maybe that he did this, or maybe just that he didn’t see. It rained & we cried & it all went together so beautifully, if you’re morbid like that.

 

My baby, my baby, my baby. I loved you, I love you, to infinity & further & I always have & I always will. Always & forever, just like we said. You came first.

 

Wherever you are, angel for me… and I am so very lucky to have had you.

Sometimes there are just no words.

 

            David John Kozak

                December 2, 1984 – February 10, 2005

 

My baby, my first love, my once best friend, my shining star, my everything, my Dave, my Dave, my Dave…

 

 

 

“She signed it I will love you always and forever.”

 

 

 

 

 

Please just pray.

We need it.

“She’s always buzzing just like neon, neon.” –John Mayer-

 

 I called work and said I’d be late… because I want to watch the end of Law & Order. Sad? Probably.

 

 I cried myself to sleep last night because sometimes I have instability breakdowns & I lash out at the people who love me.  I skipped Psych today to study for History & then I slept for 2 ½ hours to make up for my bad night.

<<<>>>

 

 My friends invited me to go to dinner with them & then they left without me. When they remembered, they came back for me but I was already eating a bagel & cheese.

 

 Today I went to Perks & asked the girl at the counter for something with lots of caffeine that didn’t taste to coffee-ish. She gave me a caramel latte & it was really good & I was super-motivated all day long... until the day.

((()))

 

 Sometimes it disgusts me hearing, day in & day out, about petty things like how long to go into a Level II tanning bed or which pink dress to wear to formal or how moccasins are “in” right now or how great the step class at Ping is. I'm not like any of these girls. Am I like anyone here?

 

 There are a few people in my Journalism class who I have serious friendship crushes on. This happens to me sometimes. People who seem really cool, really likeable, really like me, & I secretly want super-badly to be their friend. How second grade of me.

 

 I looked up "friendship crush" and these were my results:

/// /  / ///

“Don’t confront me with my failures- I have not forgotten them.” –Denison Witmer-

 

 I just realized how lame it is that in every section of my last entry, I detailed some meal that excited me. No wonder I’m getting to be a Fatty McFatFat.

 

 Oh, and speaking of lame, I had a meeting with my adviser today. I have her for a class, too, and she always wears acceptable fabrics- cotton, acrylic, the like… but for some reason, every single time I’ve ever had an appointment with her, she’s worn full-body velvet. This time it was a flowy, hippie skirt & a large red tunic. Seriously, I squirmed through the entire session.

<<< Velvet sure is hott... >>>

 

 My squirming was also due in part to the fact that my life appears to be going absolutely nowhere. The advising meetings always go something like, “Well, at the point you’re at in your college career, you should be doing this, this & this to build your resume… oh, and I see you’re not doing any of them…” I was in a rancid mood for approximately three hours…

 

 It almost rained today so I almost got to use my sweet new multi-colored hook-handled umbrella from the children’s section of Wal-Mart… almost. But Meredith did tell me it’d be great for OutWeek…. Apparently my boyfriend façade is transparent.

(((So close! )))

 

 Lots going through my head right now- I got a harrowing phone call last night about a long-lost friend who’s in some trouble… I talked to another long-lost friend for the first time in months & I wish she’d just tell me the truth… I’m slowly realizing that I’m not very good at using people, because I’m always the one who gets hurt… and various other I’m-a-bad-person topics.

 

 History exam tomorrow needs studied for- I work til midnight. Might be another long one…

/// The usual... ///

 

 Oh yeah... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMY!

“You never wanna stop, you always wanna feel this way.” –The Format-

 

Friday- Fate Falling Through concert & post-venue chow at Luigi’s:

·         The bouncer marking me over then realizing his mistake & hunting me down to give me giant red X’s

·         Chugging beers in the bathroom that Annie smuggled for me

·         The loudest, screaming-est, identical goodbyes ever from an obliterated Chad on his 21^st birthday, that made us feel like our eardrums were bleeding

·         The best pasta bake on the planet, made with butter sauce, thanks to Tav’s quick Italian thinking

·         Best line ever- “Speaking of weavers, my aunt won a bronze medal.” 

<<<..>>>

 

Saturday- the thrift w/ Adam, Friday’s with my mom & chillin’ at Tav’s

·         VDO (Village Discount Outlet) treasures- a hot pink Circus Circus hat, two tees, a white beaded necklace & the funniest statuette I’ve ever seen- pictures of that later, no doubt

·         My mom & I gorging ourselves on the 3-in-I special at Friday’s- our little two-person table was a freaking banquet!

·         Backrubs, a Sheetz run & SNL laughs at Tav’s adorrrable apartment

<<<..>>>

 

Sunday- packing, lunch with the mom & the long drive back

·        A bazillion loads of laundry

·         Panera corn soup & pesto sandwich- yummmm!

·         A very hurried, harried trip to Target (I bought beer steins!)

·         A terrifying deer-in-the-road experience on the drive home, in which I nearly hit both said forest-dweller and a random citizen directing traffic at the side of road

·         Working on my Journalism project from 9 p.m. til 3 a.m.

<<<..>>>

Today- way too insanely good for only getting 4 hours of sleep

·         My Journalism project basically kicked some ass… I think

·         It feels like April, furreeeeeal, yo

·         Psych is cancelled for tomorrow

·         Mac & cheese (my fave) for din-din tonight

·         I got the latest issue of Glamour which I forgot I am subscribed to

·         I got an eBay purse in the mail (the crappy one but whatev...)

<<<..>>>

“In another’s eyes I’m afraid that I can’t see this picture-perfect portrait that they paint of me.” –Garth Brooks-

 

 I planned a sisterhood to make Valentines for the elderly at a nearby nursing home… a ton of girls showed & it was really fun & I felt really good about it. Plus, I freakin’ adore Valentines & being crafty with a purpose. And I'm not saying this for recognition, but I was proud that people came & that the end results were so darned cute!

 

 

 For some reason I’m not as excited about going home as I ought to be. People keep saying, “Hey, I’m having a party this weekend!” and I keep replying “Hey, I’m going home this weekend!” I’m excited to see Chad’s band & my friends but for some reason I feel like I ought to be staying. Bah humbug.

 

 Last night was ridiculous but not in the usual good-times Wednesday way. I was a freaking annoying-as-hell drunk & I knew it. Everyone was getting on my nerves & I started getting asthmatic & I tried to walk home alone & it was just a massive wreck. Every Thursday is the same, you know… but I guess not anymore.

 

 Me, HollyWood, Abbey & the Jew at the Violet Banquet last Sunday. I also took this picture of the salad we were served at the banquet for a certain Frizzy Head who claims that my family is the only one to have ever garnished a lettuce-based salad with strawberries.

 

 

 I love the “Chocolate is better in color” commercial. Does anyone else? I really think it’s ingenious & eye-catching. However, I’m mad at the TV right now because the Cavs game is on instead of Law & Order.

 

 I work at 8 a.m. tomorrow so that I can go home early… yikes!

 

 Edit- Today’s To Do’s:

1.       not sleep through my alarm clock for once

2.       work from 8-10 a.m, which is entirely too early

3.       go to Chubb & have my name changed from “Sara K.” to “S. Kathryn”

4.       copy Shannon’s notes from the day of class I missed

5.       pack my things & load Sylvia up

6.       eat something, maybe Sonic

7.       go to class against my will

8.       HEAD FOR HOME!

(I take it back- I’m excited after all)

 

“Spinnin’ in my head like a revolvin’ door.” –Blessid Union of Souls-

 

 There’s so much on my mind & I can’t sort any of it out. The only words to explain my feelings are already someone else’s lyrics-

·         “The First Single (Cause a Scene)” by The Format

·         “Vienna” by Billy Joel

·         “I Can’t Take It” by Tegan & Sara

 

 I skipped classes today (two of ‘em), which I haven’t done in two weeks… but it’s okay, because my grandma said I could. She said, “Katy, you worry too much. Take an aspirin & a nap & get your spirits up.” She’s a smart lady, my grandma- and she’s optimistic, too, for a septuagenarian whose house caught fire on her 75^th birthday

((( + )))

 

 I’m not out of socks… I’m just out of socks that match. For three past three days I’ve worn mismatched pairs… are they even called pairs if they’re mismatched? One of the actual pairs I have left has traction on the bottom- they’re actually hospital footies from when I broke my butt.

 

 I have a confession. I’m currently reading the American Girl books- you know, they’re like 50 pages long & about a fictional girl from the past? Yeah, I got back into ‘em & addicted- they’re so short & fun… I read all the Addy books & now I’m on Kit. How embarrassing.

<<<>>>

 

 Because I love Billy Joel & because this song is my current personal theme song, in every line except for the title word… “Slow down, you crazy child. Take the phone off the hook & disappear for awhile. It’s alright; you can afford to lose a day or two.”