“Sometimes stuck is stuck, fate is fate and luck is luck.” –Head Automatica-

 

I just took this test to see who my Disney character alter ego is & it turns out that my top two matches are Donald Duck & the Beast. That’s right- forget Ariel or Snow White or Cinderella, who were all options. My top two matches are angry, masculine animals… and my third match was Goofy. Awesome. I am awesome.

(((/)))

             ***PS, the Beast looks like a buffalo....???

 

I was thinking about going back to OU or something. Like, not to visit. For school again. I haven’t quite grasped yet that I am not going back in, like, two weeks or something. That this is not a break- that this is a decision I made & the life I chose. I was thinking about going back because I miss people. Tom & Michelle & Karen & Jess & Toni & Kathy & Karen & Kristina & Holly & Jackie & Mere & Kiko. And then I remember what it was really like there & I have to push the fairy tale away. I’m not going back, I’m not going back.

 

I got in a fender bender that wasn’t my fault with a guy who I hit who drove away & a guy who hit me who was really nice & reminded me of my dad in, like, the 70’s or something. And he owns a detailing shop, so he’s gonna fix my car. And neither of us got ticketed because we asked the cop not to report it, and he agreed, so no insurance raises. So it’s all good.  

((()))

 

Also, yesterday Annie & I practically scaled a damn mountain because the path we were walking on just quit & left us standing next to this random mountainous cliff. What a workout! Phew! It was no a walk in the park, let me tell you! Okay, actually it WAS, since we were at a park, on a walk… badum-chhhh, joke, joke.

 

Ummm, my toenail is on it’s deathbed. No, really. Like, it’s half off & I woke my mom up in the middle of the night just so I could cry to her about it because I’m terrified that I will get an ingrown toenail & go deaf like the grandma in My Girl because if you didn’t know, that’s what happened to her.  

{{{ =}}}

“She’s an extraordinary girl in an ordinary world & she can’t seem to get away.” –Green Day-

 

Today I started seeing a therapist. His name is Jeff. I feel like I should call him Dr. Jeff. Halfway through the session, his office started to smell vaguely of peat moss. The downstairs of the hospital smelled like ham & cheese sandwiches & the elderly. Outside it smelled like those plastic bubbles you blow off of sticks when you’re a little kid. Jeff thinks I have attention & anxiety problems.

<<<>>>

 

I miss the Fridge Kids & double-dogging random hot dog bags. Summer can’t come soon enough. Once you go wwFAC you never go back.

 

I’m renting movies from the library. Lots of them. I’m almost done with the fifth season of Buffy, which I never even liked when it was in syndication but quite enjoy when I can watch it commercial-free. Also, The Prince & Me, Ray, Wicker Park, Alfie, The Birdcage, Igby Goes Down. I’ll be a lean, mean, jobless movie-watching machine. Pathetic? Probably.

((()))

 

Yesterday was two months. I thought of songs all day. Good ones like Lifehouse’s “Breathing” or Dashboard’s “This Ruined Puzzle.” And I stole daffodils from a church. Shady? Maybe. He would have thought it was funny, because it was.

 

Happy 22^nd Birthday to my good friend, the lovely Miss Ann Marie! Geez, you’re getting OLD!

//////

The concert was a no-go. My mom offered to pay but I felt guilty because I don’t know any of the bands that were going to be there very well. However, I was devastated to find out that I was missing my first-ever chance to see/hear the amazing Jonah…

 

your words hit like a train & i can’t ignore it

this moment could be our last

you fall in love & I’m running after

you move way too fast

 

Tomorrow I’m hanging out with Kevin which is something I’m looking forward to a whole, whole lot. I miss him & the rest of them… I need them sometimes. Things are different now.

 

and when they say that I’m just a terrible kite

tell them you’re proud of my loveless flight

 

I got accepted into Kent today. I make my advising appointment tomorrow. There’re lots of things going on at OU & I don’t even care. I don’t even miss it. It’s almost like I was never there… it’s almost like I never left.

 

i think i’m knocking on your heart’s door

choose the one who loves you more

and when you find something to die for

it can make you face your fears

they’ll be knocking on your heart’s door

 

But I did leave. Remember? Things are different now.

 

no one really wins this time

 

Things were different then.

“Every day is a day that I can say I kept my head above the waves.” –The Jealous Sound-

 

Yes, I go to the library every day. Shut it.

 

There’s a Sonic bag & cup in my car. Gross? Yes, since that makes them at least three weeks old, as we do not have a Sonic nearby & they must have come from Athens. I’m a dirtball. A dirtball who misses Sonic corndogs & orange freezes.

((()))

 

I love Panera soup & shopping at Target with my mom since Target is the mecca of awesomeness. I got more capris & a shirt that makes me look boho but it’s super-hot because, duh, I am super-hot. Or something.

 

Annie & I walked 3 miles at Sand Run yesterday except then we went to Carvel & had ice cream. Also, I filled a plastic cone with pink sprinkles from the sprinkle machine, but they overflowed & I caused a scene right there inside Carvel & some family laughed at me. So I dumped the sprinkles in the parking lot & it looked like someone vomited pink.

<<<>>>

 

I want: to go to the Straylight Run concert with Kevin tomorrow; to lose 20 pounds by my birthday; summer to start so that I can work & yes, go to class; my medicine to start working; weather like this every day; to find my cell phone.

 

End transmission, commence commenting.

 

dream of glass & window sills

sea of alcohol & pills

and i wonder

if you could save my life

“I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end, the way it all would go.” –Garth Brooks-

 

Jack Johnson is great driving music, when it’s warm enough to roll the windows down (not too much, it’s still in the 50’s, you know). When all the lights are green & all the drivers in the other cars look content & I’m just glad to be where I am.

((()))

 

I’m spending money I barely have (yikes!) but at least I have cute stuff to show for it. I got me some flood capris that I actually only fell in love with because they came with a kickass retro-style tweed belt with a big metal flower. Also, cloth Mary Janes & an 80’s bracelet. Fashion Bug like what.

 

There’s a guy at the computer across from me talking to himself in, like, entire sentences. I feel like I ought to answer him, because he’s also asking himself some questions, like “How am I supposed to do this?!” and “Is this a joke or something?!” Also, a man with a cheek goiter just came in. YOWZA!!!

<<< >>>

 

I went tanning today. Normally my alabaster epidermis does not bother me- being mercilessly teased at the wedding reception changed all that, though. Now I’ve vowed to become at least ivory-colored by summer. My skin is pretty resistant to darkening but I’m gonna try… cancer beds, here I come.

 

I’m doing a mitzvah & organizing two decades’ worth of photos that my mom has just lying around in boxes. It’s tedious but at the same time really cool, watching myself grow up. I’ve changed so much & yet somehow so little… I’ve only gotten cooler, of course.

......

“Some things you don’t need until they’re gone then they’re the things that you miss.” –Matchbox Twenty-

 

Soooo I’m not getting a job. Yet. I mean, Waterworks stuff starts mid-Aprilish & the lovely Marisa Lee was kind enough to literally give me some of her Nat birthday hours… so I’m just gonna bum around til summer, I guess. Yeah, call me Joey. Whatever, I’m gonna be a stay-at-home-daughter & clean the house & do some volunteer work & stuff.

<<<>>>

 

Five dolla holla bowling with the crew last night- the whole gang was there & it was a massive blast. I bowled two strikes & three spares in one game & somehow still managed to never break 100. Only me, right? Only me.

 

Quote of the evening was Annie with, “My boobs are not a hoop.” That’s because she has tatas that practically defy gravity & I was having a grand old time throwing things into her cleavage. Yeah, my best friend’s chest is the 8^th world wonder.  

(()))

 

This is where I belong, for now. This is where I am supposed to be. And if you give a damn, take me, baby, or leave me.