“I’m a terrible person.” –Rooney-

Pretty much I just ranted to my mom & in the end she just told me how impatient I am & that it’s leading me to be a bad friend to a certain someone. And that’s just the someone she knows about.

I’ve felt like an asshole at least three times a day every day for the past week. Just when I was at this pinnacle of thinking I was turning into the person I wanted to be, I screwed everyone over. Murphy’s Law, right? Whatever can go wrong, will.

I’m losing my friends at home, too. Which is, of course, just what I need after abandoning OU to come back to these people.

There’s drama wherever you go. Or maybe only wherever I go. I'm a goddamn whirlwind of disaster. The grass is always greener, right?  

"only [3] hours away from here

& a trip i’m looking forward to

(i think i might be seeing you soon)" 

Basically, old pop music is, hands down, the most uplifting music ever, period, ever. And by that, I mean that I listened to the Backstreet Boys all morning.
((()))

 

Dave’s house is for sale. Not that I blame his mom for wanting to leave, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry.

 

I drank Coke for breakfast & I’ve been super-motivated all day. I never drink pop- maybe I ought to start? I guess I could get used to this non-slacking stuff.

<<<>>>

 

They say that kids who grow up fatherless don’t have proper male influences in their lives, & that it fucks them up. I’ve been thinking about the males in my life lately & I couldn’t disagree with those psychotherapy experts any less.

§          My Uncle Jim & Grandpa Sandy & Cousin Harley

§          My uncles Larry & Lanny & my cousin Eric

§          My fabulous exes- Sergio, (Dave), Chris, Scott & Adam

§          Kevin, whatever we are

§          My best friends, Sean, Brian & Peebs

§          My library boys, Ryan & Tom

Bottom line is that I’m pretty blessed & my lack of fathering hasn’t led me to have shitty taste in men- the reverse, actually. And I’m so lucky for that.

//////

 

Athens in three. It’s all I want right now- an escape. I want homecoming socials & dressing up dumb; I want Nati Light & the Sigma chant; I want the PJ lounge & drunken Court Street runs; I want to stay for longer than three nights.

 

 

when my world caves in
i’ll find peace within

I really am just… lost. I don’t know how to feel.

Actually… I know how I probably should feel, but I can’t tell if it’s how I do feel or how I wish I felt.

Cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been livin’ in & if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.

I don’t know where this is going. Love’s just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard. I want to cry almost all of the time & laugh all of the rest.

Repeat… repeat… repeat… repeat… repeat… repeat… repeat…

If you want to know how I’m feeling, you can look up the words to Fiona Apple’s “Criminal.” Again.

Everything is falling apart. My grades, my relationships… everything I worked so hard for. The person I turned into was a lie & I’m falling back into everything I hate.

I sincerely hope that this is just aftershock, and that this won’t feel so horrendously shitty… well, forever, really.

everything falls apart,

then i get to try to put it back together

everything falls apart,

and you can count on that 
like you can count on 
bad, bad weather again

was it good?

i don't remember much about it

when things start to feel right,

you can count on me to start to doubt it

“I’m melting back and forth- I’m in between.” –The Like-

I am truly, truly excited and ANXIOUS to see all my sisters next weekend. Just think- a week from right now I’ll be a Sigma Kappa again, if only for a little while. Has anyone noticed that I’m basically the most indecisive person EVER?
<<<>>>

I can’t actually even tell you how awesome I am, so I’ll let you deduce it yourself, via this anecdote: today I bought three N*Sync Cds (N*Sync, No Strings Attached & Celebrity), three Backstreet Boys CDs (BSB, Black & Blue, & Millennium), as well as Greenday’s Nimrod & Hanson’s Middle of Nowhere… all for roughly the price of nachos at Taco Bell. Geeky, yes. Thrilling, HELL yes.

I studied at Starbucks for like 3 hours today & I still don’t know jack (hey, does ANYone know Jack?). Seriously, and I have to take this exam alone in Ryan Claassen’s office = terrifying. He emailed me to remind me not to discuss the exam with anyone tonight!
<<<>>>

Today, Lisa & I decided that it’s probable that our Geology professor hates all people who are not geologists. Also, that he will die in a rockslide while driving his car down a highway… oh, the irony.

My life is boring & stressful. Tomorrow night I’m going out with my girls & with Laura Rae, because she wants to move in on a certain boy(s).
<<<>>>

 Also, this conversation made me laugh out loud multiple times: Does anyone know who we're discussing? Haha.

You Can Rent Ben: he has a big head too

GlossAndSauce: I know

GlossAndSauce: Wait, literally?

GlossAndSauce: Because he does.

You Can Rent Ben: that is a big ol melon

GlossAndSauce: My friend and I bought him a hat from the thrift, to try to get him to stop wearing the one he wears every day, and it didnt flipping fit him

You Can Rent Ben: he has to have them tailor made from the only mens big and tall head store in the state

GlossAndSauce: He seriously has a massive head. And a lot of hair.

GlossAndSauce: And no pillows on his bed. That's so weird.

You Can Rent Ben: no pillows?

GlossAndSauce: He doesn't own a pillow, not a single one.

You Can Rent Ben: what a freak of nature

GlossAndSauce: Seriously.

You Can Rent Ben: i would think he has like thirteen to support a head like that

“Drop a heart, break a name.” –Fall-Out Boy-

I’m just sad today. Don’t even know why. Sad & feeling crappy, & also panicking about my impending Poli Sci exam, a.k.a. utter doom.
<<<>>>

  Have any of you given plasma? Does it hurt? How much do they pay you? What I really want to know is--- should I do it?!?! I’m mad-broke.

My awesomely Jewish mother made me hot tea with loads of honey because I sneezed like eight times tonight & ripped my throat raw. Ouchhhh.
((()))

I want to go out on Friday & party like it’s my goddamn birthday again, because this week has sucked so royally that I need to do something fun this weekend. And by “fun,” I do NOT mean “working until midnight at a wedding on Saturday night.”

10 years ago:
     1. My dad had just died.
     2. Mrs. Zach babysat me after school.
     3. I was reading "The Cay" in Miss Karl's class.
     4. I had never had a boyfriend.
     5. The Indians went to the World Series... right?

5 years ago:
     1. I was 16 but didn't have my license yet.
     2. I was dating Matt Mundy.
     3. I had just joined M&M's Crew.
     4. I was about to have the best year ever.
     5. I wished we'd taken another exchange student.

1 year ago:
     1. I got Jimmy Eat World's "Futures."
     2. I was about to start dating my best friend.
     3. I was a Delicious Dish girl in the SigKap skit.
     4. I slept on the bottom bunk on top of my comforter.
     5. I was depressed as hell.

Yesterday:
     1. I went to Applebee's with Marisa & Lisa.
     2. I didn't study for my Poli Sci test.
     3. I slept through my first class & ruined my day.
     4. My mom made me some corn chowder.
     5. I got a 97% on my Broadcast script.

5 snacks i like:
     1. Tortilla chips & queso
     2. Ramen w/ parmesan & walnuts
     3. Nature Valley granola bars
     4. Fruit snacks from the Nat vending machine
     5. Cheez-Its

5 songs i know all the words to:
     1. "Saints & Sailors" by Dashboard
     2. "Kill" by Jimmy Eat World
     3. "Gettin' Jiggy With it" by Will Smith
     4. "Sumthin' New (1, 2, 3)" by Coolio
     5. "You Gotta Be" by Desiree

If i had a million dollars:
     1. I'd sing the BNL song a lot
     2. I would pay off my loans.
     3. I would save & invest.
     4. I would get a kickass apartment.
     5. I would live in a big city.

5 things i would never wear:
     1. Real fur
     2. Anything that says "Angel" or "Diva" or anything
     3. Steelers and/or Michigan gear
     4. A corset top
     5. A thong you can see over my jeans

Favorite TV shows:
     1. Dawson's Creek
     2. Gilmore Girls
     3. Grey's Anatomy
     4. Law & Order: SVU
     5. Desperate Housewives

5 bad habits:
     1. Flirting & not realizing it
     2. Eating too much
     3. Worrying what people think of me
     4. Procrastinating
     5. Cracking my knuckles

5 biggest joys:
     1. Telling a story that makes people laugh
     2. A really good deal or sale
     3. Laughing so hard it hurts
     4. Being with my friends
     5. Getting mail

5 fictional people I want to date: (weird question)
     1. Aladdin, duh.
     2. John the Gardener from Desperate Housewives
     3. Pacey Witter
     4. Detective Green from L&O
     5. GEORGE FROM GREY'S ANATOMY!!!

5 people i tag to do this:
     1. Kevin
     2. Lisa
     3. Annie
     4. Abbey
     5. Peebles

“Lately I do what I please & don't care much who disagrees.” –Brendan Benson-

Soooo pissed. Seriously, who oversleeps for a 12:15 class? Yeah, I woke up at 1:00… and even then it was only because my mom came home on her lunch break & said, “What the hell are you doing?”

<<<>>>

I love having Board Game & Movie Nights where we don’t play any board games OR watch any movies. Instead we discuss whether or not the apocalypse would be bright or not, and whether you can go deaf from an ingrown toenail. (By the way, we decided on maybe & no)

This just in (again): I love Bo Bice. A LOT. Ands PS, the Google search engine wanted to know if I meant "Bob Ice."
((())) 

I subscribed to a magazine, so I got a free tote bag in the mail today. Ummm, it’s hideous. Seriously, I’m so disappointed. This bag was half the reason I subscribed, and it’s horrific. It’s tan & black & brown & maroon striped and I HATE it.

“Oh, my life is good- I’ve got more than anyone should.” –Ashlee Simpson-

Ummm, who loves picture posts??? (Me, me, me!)

My family is so predictable. Last night I went to the ‘Nati for my aunt’s surprise 50^th birthday party. My grandpa was the best part of the night, when he gave a toast to “blondes, brunettes & redheads” (see below), and when he asked me to dance. We tore up the floor… very slowly, because he’s 80.

(GEKs 3,1, & 2... ak.a. me with my little cousins, Gracie, 15, and Emily, 19) 

(Me & Grandpa Sandy, waltzin' away)

(My K.A.M.E.L. chicas, even if we're out of order here!)

(How come every straight guy we know is, well, NOT?)

(Brian & Sean wearing eyeliner warpaint at Steak 'n' Shake) 

How about MY MOM IS PLANNING A TRIP TO VEGAS?! It’d be me, her, her friend Laurie, Laurie’s husband George & their daughter (my friend), Jenn. Mannn, I’m pumped. What better way to spend Christmas than in Sin City with some other Jews?

I love how I waited until Sunday night to write a paper I’ve known about for three weeks. Ummm, procrast8inate much? Always. Sweet? Definitely. Here we go, Shakespearean Sonnet 18.

(I <3 youuuuuuuu)

(My other lovah, a.k.a. Birthday Girl)

 PS, the Brownies won? Fuuuuuuck YEAH!

Every once in awhile, I become absurdly introspective. Today is one of those times.

I am so ridiculously happy with my life right now. Do I miss people? Yes. Do I wonder how things would have turned out had I chosen different paths along the way? Certainly. Do I want to change things about myself & my life right now? Of course.

But on the whole… I thank God every day for what I’ve been given, and for the support system I have. Few of you truly realize how close I was to suicide earlier this year… but I’m still here. And I’m staying. And man, am I glad. I thank God for the friends & family I have- for all the love in my life that keeps me going & for the spark of hope that I never lose, even when I’m at my worst.

I used to think Dashboard’s song “Vindicated” was a total; sell-out song, and I basically still do. But today as I finished taking an exam that I thought I’d for sure bomb (that I didn’t), the lyrics came to me & I couldn’t get rid of them… and I realized how true they are to my life.

“I am vindicated; I am selfish; I am wrong. I am right (I swear I’m right), I swear I knew it all along. And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.”

Did it take pills to get me here? Sure as hell, it did. But it took a lot more than that, too. It took SO MUCH & unless you’ve experienced it, I don’t know if you can understand what an effort it is to finally be happy when you’re struggling with a disease that keeps you from being so.

Am I super-duper-happy all the time? No… but who is? Now, when I’m unhappy, it’s still a stable unhappy. I can deal with small things now. I can balance my emotions. And I’m NOT ashamed of where I’ve been, or what I’ve felt, or what I’ve dealt with, or how I dealt with it. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve been to therapy, or that I’m on Prozac, or that I honest-to-God thought I was going crazy for awhile.

I always knew that I could be okay- it was just a matter of getting myself there. And now… I’m there. I’m here. I’m fine. I’m happy. And for once in my life, I can honestly say that I feel stable.

And I will never underestimate myself like that again.

Thank God.