Ready for a novel? Here goes… I sincerely hope SOMEONE reads this.

 

“When all you’ve got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do.” –All-American Rejects-

 

What a year. I can’t believe I’m a Flash. I can’t believe I’ve made it through an entire year at Kent State without falling apart. Not only have I not fallen apart, I’ve stuck together more than ever. And that, my friends, may be nothing short of a miracle.

 

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t lonely, & we all know I’m trying not to lie anymore. I’m still lonely a lot. I think about Dave every single day, & I don’t think I will ever “get over” the guilt of losing him on the terms we were on when he died.

 

I’m lonely when I think about the people I’ve lost & the friendships that have disintegrated within the past few months. I think of my old friends every day, when I see things they’d appreciate or hear songs that were ours & know I can’t call them up. I’m lonely every day when I remember that this isn’t just a break; this is the real thing.

 

I’m lonely when I consider this new breakup & the fact that it’s probably not a break, either… and that if it is, it may be a very long one. I fell in love this year, but I was not able to maintain the morale needed to be in the sort of relationship I emotionally would like to be in. I’m lonely when I consider the fact that maybe I’ll never be able to uphold a healthy, monogamous relationship.

 

So I’m lonely a lot. But aren’t we all?

 

Because then I think of this year & all of the things I have done for myself. I think about the articles I had in the paper & the position I was given for next year. I think of the grades I got & the money I made & the people who have become a part of my life. I consider the fact that on the first day of classes, I met one of my best friends, & he’s still around. When I think about Ameir & Elise & Jackie & Amanda, I have hope that “alone” is not the place for me.

 

Part of me doesn’t want summer to come because I’m afraid I’ll have to start all over next year. I was just getting on a roll with my happiness at Kent, & now summer threatens to wipe the slate clean. What if next year begins & I’m alone again? Then what?

 

But I know I have to have more faith than this. I know I won’t fall apart when the new school year starts. If I haven’t fallen apart yet, I never will. These past two years have been two of the most trying years of my life, & I am still together. I am still me; in many ways, I am “a better version of me.”

 

And the summer that intrudes upon the smooth transition I was trying to make will only make me try harder. It means I will come back stronger in the fall, ready to better my life even more, & ready to strengthen friendships I’ve started to make. I won’t lose these people – no, not these ones. They get me. In a lot of ways, it’s funny to think that people I’ve known for less than a year know me better than so many of the people who have known me forever.

 

I never thought the time would come when I wasn’t afraid to be myself; when I could wear clothes from the thrift store & tell stories at full volume & have stupid hair… & not be afraid. But I’m not afraid around these people, not anymore. And it can only get better – if I’ve already opened myself up to four of these people, there have to be more to come.

 

This year was truly a learning, growing experience. I am so blessed to have made the decision to come to Kent. For all my fears & all my hesitation, I know that I made the right decision. I am scared, but I am strong.

 

Props if you read this far. I wouldn’t have.

“The world won’t turn until something breaks. Who will make the first last mistake?” –The Bens-

 

I made a soundtrack for my life. It’s still in the works (as is my life), but I really love it so far. Which is good – you should enjoy your own soundtrack.

 

  Last night was a goooooood time. Jackie gave me the award for “Most Likely to Impersonate an ‘80s Icon (Sinead O’Connor, Madonna, etc.),” & I did, indeed, wear my taffeta ‘80s-style prom dress. I got a little raucous, but so what? I went out with a bang to close my first year at Kent.

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I work from 9 p.m. to 3 a.m. tonight because Woodridge is having their prom at the Nat… yikes! But I also get paid $5 extra for every hour I work, which comes out to $75 for the whole night. Can’t beat that!

 

Washington, D.C. is getting closer & closer! One of the girls started a Facebook event so that we could all talk to each other before the program begins. I realized I’ll be in the capital for Independence Day, which is amazing. I really just can’t wait for this experience.

((()))

 

SEAN IS HOME! He & Kev are going to the Brandtson’s “Hello, Control” release show tonight & alas, I cannot go… Whatever, my male counterpart is finally back. Thank God.

 

And just for fun: more pics! 

Seth kind of looks gigantic & Rachel & I look midgety...

 

Crazy indie kids (me & Ben).

 

Faux-prom picture with Mr. Andrew Hampp

 

Me & Michele - girls with short hair are so HOTT right now!

 

Magazine Publishing kids - Ameir, Abbey, Elise, me & Shelley, the crazy South African

“I’d rather run the other way than stand &* see the smoke & who’s still standing when it clears.” –The Fray-

 

Basically, I want to fall apart & cry. I haven’t been sleeping; I toss & turn, instead, worrying.

 

I don’t trust anyone anymore, not at all. I used to be so open, but now there’s always this nagging feeling in my head that friendship is all some big conspiracy theory.

 

I start to feel close to people & I think, “Yikes, back up,” because I’m afraid they’ll see who I am & leave me like the rest. I worry that people I’ve begun to care about have decided I’m not someone they want in their lives, that they’re already trying to pull away & that maybe I just can’t admit it.

 

I fall too hard for friends. I love people, & I want to be everyone’s friend. I want to be everything to everyone, & I want them to mean everything to me. I forget that some people already have everything; some people don’t need others the way I do.

 

I’m afraid of next year; I’m afraid of trying to be something. I’m afraid of this group of people who is so close, so elite, so tight, that it’s impossible to feel at home even when I’m being 100% myself.

 

I worry too much; I can’t help it, I always have. I read so far into everything… all I want is one of these people to tell me, “This is real. We’ll take you,” & for me to know that they mean it. But you can’t ask people for these things…

“She doesn’t want to be dead in the water, yet she swims to sea.” –Brandtson-

 

I’m the new Administration Reporter for the Fall 2006 Daily Kent Stater. Basically, this means I’m freaking out a lot right now. I’ll be interviewing the university’s new president – on a regular basis. This is bigger than what I applied for & I'm feel like this:

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I feel a little bit more legit about attending the banquet tomorrow now that I know I’ll be around next year in a decent position. Elise & Ameir & I are real Stater people now! We’re all so excited. Read: we’re all so LAME.

 

The other day I saw a little kid riding his bike & holding a fishing pole… and talking on his cell phone. Where has childhood gone?!

((()))

 

2 ½ finals done, 1 ½ to go. It’s such a relief to be done. Can you believe I made it through an entire year at Kent already? And that I LIKE it? What a blessing.

 

To you (you know who you are): I love you. No matter what. We both know this is the right thing to do, even if it hurts (and it does). We’ll get through this, both alone & together.

......

 

“I know you hate it & you can’t take it. You’ll never break me ‘cause I’m unbreakable.” –Michael Jackson-

 

I got a position as a columnist for the summer Stater. They said we’d have to work something out for while I’m gone, but I think maybe D.C. will give me some cool material. And anyway, the job is via email, so it should still work.

 

The banquet is Friday & I’m wearing this gorgeous dress I bought off eBay (see picture). Adam & I will kind of match because he’s wearing a blue suit, so we may look all senior prom-ish, but whatev. Who didn’t love senior prom? & who doesn’t love getting drunk with Elise & Adam?!

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I’m maybemaybemaaaaybe looking to move into Kent next semester. Does anyone know of anyone who might need a subleaser? I’m desperate… I’ll take anything, as long as I wouldn’t be living with creepsters.

 

Stream of consciousness for the other subject on my mind that I cannot otherwise discuss: Who are these people & why do they think I’m qualified for this? They don’t me know; they don’t know what I am & am not capable of. Then again, do I know what I am or am not capable of? I’m flattered & I’m terrified & I’m confused & I’m proud… but mostly I want to know who decided I was ready to be thrown into this.

((())) 

 

no matter what you do

i’m still gonna be here

“I was just thinking, merely thinking, that this ship is sinking...” –Teitur-

 

There’s a lot going on in my head that I feel guilty for thinking. I’m all mixed up & my head is going ten different ways at once. I want school to end & summer to begin & for me to be in Washington, D.C. & for my hair to grow in so I can have a cute faux-hawk or something & for me not to fail Law…

 

I don’t know what I want, & yet sometimes I know exactly what I want. I don’t know who I am, but I know precisely how I am. Does that make any sense at all? My mind is so indecisive about everything that matters & nothing that doesn’t, & all the things in between get trampled because my mind works in gray, but everyone around me can only see the black & the white of every situation.

 

Where is this going? All of it? My life? I’m happy with myself but still not able to do all of the things I need to do to make myself happy enough. Is there such a thing as “happy enough”?