“You’re not the only one who’s afraid of change.” –Jack Johnson-

Today was splendid. I did some spring cleaning, which was actually very soul-cleansing, as well… my mama took me to Panera where I had my favorite sandwich, TUNA… & then we went to Target & purchased some kickass “young professional” clothes for my summer internship in D.C.

And then I hung out with someone & we took a nap, & it was a great time even though it sounds super-lame.

And I finished watching Harry Potter & cleaning my room, & I think tonight “Black White” is on, which fascinates me. The only thing that would brighten today up… would be if I had a cookie dough Blizzard from DQ right now.

“If you want clean fun, go fly a kite.” –Louis XIV-

Ummm, I actually worked out today. Hollllly moly. Also, I sweated like a freakin’ beast. Sick.

New Appleseed Cast album, “Peregrine.” DIG IT.

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I sat on the steps with Kev last night & talked. I still feel like the scum of the universe, but somehow he’s going to keep me around, even if only as a friend… and then we got breakfast food from Sheetz. It brightened me up a lot…

I’ve been workingworkingworking like mad & tomorrow I finally have a day off & I couldn’t be any more excited! I plan to… sleep late & clean my room? Sounds fun, I know. Ohhh, Spring Break.

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Speaking of spring’s breaking, I’m thrilled to say that I did not wear a coat today. What’s upppp, northeast Ohio?! Holler, nice weather!

And tonight is One Tree Hill night. Dan shot Keith, & I am anxiously awaiting whatever happens next!

...... 

 My phone just rang & it was a completely foreign sound because no one has called me for, like, a week or so. And you think I'm kidding, but I'm not.

PS: Most boring Spring Break post ever? Yeah, probably. Rockkkk...

I was thinking about Zach, & how I can’t believe he’s gone. How his death makes me glad not to be going to Waterworks, because I can’t imagine being there without him. About how much spunk & energy he had, and what a tragedy it was to lose someone so very alive at such a young age.

I was thinking about Dave & how he caved in to the pressure of all of his emotions, some of the same emotions I’ve struggled with my entire life; how I refuse to cave, even when I want to.

I was thinking, about how I’m just lucky to be alive, no matter what’s going on, really.

I was thinking about what Jen said, about how friends aren’t supposed to abandon you, & how if they do, then they probably weren't friends you wanted anyway. Maybe things like this are an eye-opener not only into myself but into the people I surround myself with, too.

I was thinking about what Heather said, about how maybe this happened over Spring Break so that I would have to think about it in my spare time; how maybe this was G-d’s way of telling me to shut up & listen, to reflect & get everything figured out.

I was thinking about how I am both cursed & blessed with an undying optimism that just keeps going & going, no matter what; with a sense of humor that can get me through anything, because as long as I can make one person laugh, I can make myself laugh, too.

And I was thinking about how I am finally learning to love myself.

“Driving away from the wreck of the day & the light’s always red in the rearview.” –Anna Nalick-

Sean and I started a club -  ‘FUHL: fucked up & hating life.' our motto? à "pity the fuhl." Must be a human disaster to join.

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Song I’m obsessed with that you’d never expect me to be obsessed with: Chamillionaire’s “Ridin’,” discovered while listening to Miss Marisa Lee on Z88.

On the subject of obsession, I think I have a problem with Facebook-stalking basically everyone I’ve ever met… & a lot of people I’ve never even met. This is generally limited to Stater people with whom I’ve had limited contact, & I use Facebook as a means to further my pathetic friend crushes.

I forgot to mention that my loverly Little & my pal AJ came to the metropolis that is C-Falls last week to pay name a visit. Although they were here for less than 24 hours, it was enough time to get drunk & get a little bit of Engine 51 action in.

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Lamest Spring Break Ever ’06 is now underway:

·          Monday: Work 4-10. Possibly shop with my mother beforehand.

·          Tuesday: Work 12-9. I actually volunteered to extend my shift.

·          Wednesday: Work 10-3. I actually volunteered to come in on my day off.

·          Thursday: No work. Maybe a movie with my best friend’s little brother, who is 16.

·          Friday: Work 6-11. My grandparents come into town this nigh.

·          Saturday: No work. Spend day with grandparents.

·          Sunday: More grandparents. Work 2:30-6:30.

Yeah, let’s be honest. My “schedule” could not be any more pathetic. I’m pretty aware.

......

heaven

help

me

for

the

way

i am

everything falls apart

& then i get to try to put it back together

“This is the end of the innocence.” –Don Henley-

 There comes a time when you face the truth & you cry in the bathroom, & pretend like you didn't; when you call a friend & spill your guts, then suck it up & keep on going.

 There comes a time when you know your gut was right & there's nothing to do but accept it & say "fuck all this," because you can't change anyone's attitude but your own.

 There comes a time when all good things must come to an end - but you saw it coming anyway, so how surprised can you possibly be???

“A dream with no color… well, why even bother?” –Gratitude-

Target now carries RED marshmallow Peeps. Grossssss. I had a long conversation with a fellow shopper about how unnatural that is, to eat red Peeps. I’ll stick to yellow chicks, thanks.

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I caught another sex offender today. Apparently I’m a magnet for creepy predators, because I’m one of the only people who’s caught any offenders, much less two.

I’ve been writing haikus about current events for my Copyediting class. Wanna hear one?

Cruise bashes “South Park,"

But Scientology’s lame,
And Tommy's gone nuts.

 ((()))

During this convo with Sean, I meant to say “geographical differences” were keeping us from being as close as we ought to be… whoops!

seanrocksBG: geological differences would be like if i was a sedimentary rock and you were metamorphic, and despite all we tried, we just couldn't make it work

Final thoughts:

·          Download Ivri Lider & Idan Raichel’s “Strong World”

·          A nice Jewish boy sent me a drunken marriage proposal via AIM.

·          I’m working a bazillion hours next week. Happy Spring Break!

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 Tell me this cartoon is not hilarious?

“It may be years until the day my dream matches up with my pay.” –Feist-

“I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind… You don’t know me, you don’t even care.” -Augustana

This is my theme song. Replace ‘California’ with ‘Ohio’ and ‘Boston’ with ‘NYC,’ and it’s all me. I heart this band. In fact, their whole CD may be my theme song.

((()))

It’s such a pretty day out today… even though it’s ridiculously cold out, it gives me a little bit of excitement for Spring! I’m ready for capri-season.

Our washer overflowed and basically flooded our basement, which is, of course, just splendid. A plumber is coming out today, which conjures images of creepy men with visible buttcracks. Thrilling.

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Spring. Break. Is. Almost. Here. Thank heavens. I mean seriously, it can’t come fast enough. Even though all I’m doing over Break is workingworkingworking, it’ll be nice to have a brief break from non-stop schoolwork. Speaking of which, I’m getting B’s in everything this semester. Ummm, fab.

It’s amazing when something as small as a phone call can make you feel worlds better about certain things. Maybe I’m just too hopeful, but I like to think that’s nothing’s over yet.

I think G-d is playing tricks on my friends and me… last night I found out that my cousin Joe is sick again. He had a liver transplant when he was younger, and lately his new liver is acting up again. They think he may have pnuemocystis, an immuno-suppressed disease… This kid has been through hell and back, and he’s only 15. If you have any prayers left in you, say one for him…

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PS, Happy St. Patrick's Day. Party hard for me...

“Don’t believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die.” –Armor for Sleep-

I still can’t believe Zach is gone. All these memories keep popping up – how I used to ask him for hugs because he always smelled so good; how he kept “RIP VAI” in his AIM profile long after Aidan died; how the Kitchen Girls had him booted from Concessions for hitting on our jailbait girls; the date we went on to Applebee’s…

 I’m trying to find some peace but every time my mind processes the fact that he’s actually gone, that I’ll never see him again, banter with him again, party with him again… everything falls to pieces again.

I hope there are pretty girls and fast cars in heaven. And maybe beer pong.

If you’re interested: Calling hours 6-9 tomorrow night and funeral 10:30 Saturday morning. I can’t even imagine a funeral for Zach, who was so rarely sad or upset… I can’t imagine the Waterworks family coming together during the winter, in March, to mourn the death of one of our own. It seems foreign, to see these people out of our poolside setting for reasons other than working and partying.