“We’re nothing more than fools & whores & sad highs.” –Augustana-

I had a minor disaster tonight when I shook my bottle of Bolthouse Farms juice without the cap on. Basically, it was like I threw a smoothie across the room. It was everywhere – in my ear, on my clothes, all over the carpet & the couch… thank heavens for Woolite.

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I didn’t know Tony Bennett was still alive. Is he? The Target “80^th anniversary” commercials are throwing me.

I leave for NYC on Thursday at 2:00. I’d be lying if I said I was excited because I’m not, but whatever. It’s NYC, I guess it can’t be that bad, right?

((()))

My life is still a mess, but I guess I’m just a messy kinda person.

“This is not my life, or maybe it is? I keep on forgetting myself.” –Third Eye Blind-

It sort of sucks when the guy you maybe-kind-of-liked starts dating a girl you’re maybe-kind-of friends with, because you want to be angry & say, “Oh, her?” but you can’t because she’s really pretty awesome.

Addicted to Odwalla. Anyone else? I mean, really, they’re nutritious and taste amazing, even if “odwalla” is a derogatory Indian word for a crazy person.

((()))

I think maybe I work on breakdown cycles, where I can function up to a certain point before I flip out, before I hit a wall & have to have a minor attack before I can continue. And then, once I slough off the stress build-up, I start over, do it all over again. I started another down-cycle this week.

Abbey & I applied black squirrel tattoos to our right wrists today, & we felt a little bit like Planeteers, like if we put our wrists together some crazy superhero would emerge. While I bought Odwalla at Prentice this evening, the cashier asked me if the tattoo was real, as though I might really ink Kent’s unofficial mascot into my skin.

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I have three articles to start/finish & a Human Sexuality exam to study for, but if Elise & Dave agree, I hope to also get a little drink on on this lovely week night. Manic Monday indeed….

“Your perfect verse is just a lie that you tell yourself to help you get by.” –Death Cab for Cutie-

This is me sitting around being a big, mopey mess.

I was sick Thursday/Fridayish, & now I’m fine, but I’ve  spent all this time lately thinking about where my life is going & when I turned into the most boring individual on the planet.

I don’t do a damn thing. I don’t have real friends. Guys don’t like me anymore. Sometimes I don’t even like me anymore.

My mom says I’m too negative. I never thought I was a negative person, but I suppose, perhaps, that I am. I’ve become a cynic. I don’t like most of the people I know, & most  of them are indifferent to me. I feel like my life is crashing into heaping piles of nothingness, like maybe I’m never going to make it anywhere & I’ve been fooling myself all along in thinking otherwise.

I miss laughing & loving & most of all, I miss living.

I’m starving for a real let-it-all-out conversation…

“Sometimes it seems this cycle never ends. We slide from top to bottom, then we turn & climb again.” –Death Cab for Cutie-

Law & Order season premieres! Is it pathetic when the thing I look forward to the most is TV shows? Project Runway is tomorrow. I live for this shit.

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I basically had a breakdown last night. I cried for about 2 hours, just kind of wigged out. G-d bless my mom for being the one person in my life who knows how to keep me sane.

Today I spent 5 hours at Board of Trustees meetings, a.k.a. most boring event of my life.

((()))

I love my apartment, & my roommates are nice & all… but I think I’m just not cut out to live with people. Every time someone talks or yells or laughs, I just want to rip my ears off. I’m such an only child…

I’m so glad it’s autumn. I may not be glad about too many other things, but fall makes me so happy. Can’t it stay like this forever???

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My life is really just overwhelming me right now.

I’m proud of my Fusion story, I think, or at least I could me. All I really want is for my writing to be something special & somehow, it’s never enough. I want to be amazing; mediocrity is not cutting it for me.

But I don’t even have the energy to try for amazing.

I like a boy. I tried to tell myself I didn’t: I didn’t care, I didn’t remember, I didn’t give a damn. But I do... When I realized that he has a thing for one of my friends, it felt like a punch in the face. “You fucking idiot,” my heart keeps telling me, and somehow I never listen. I'm so tired  of feeling ugly.

I want to cry every single day, but I don’t have the time or the weakness.

It’s not that I’m not happy. I am, I think, when I have the time to wonder whether or not I am. But I sleep too much & use up time I need for other things, things that pile up on me.

I’m not even a full-time student this semester. I’m part time, because I only need 3 more classes after this semester, but I wasn’t allowed to take them all right now. I’m ashamed, somehow, of that part-time status, like somehow it makes me less. Like I don’t deserve to be stressed.

I keep waiting for everything to fall apart.

I feel like everything is dangerously balanced.

I can’t keep this up for a whole semester, can I?

“When they say that I’m just a terrible kite, you’ll tell them you’re proud of my loveless flight.” –Copeland-

I’m feeling really introspective tonight, & I don’t want to be. I’ve kind of being trying to suppress it, but I figured I might as well write it all out so that I can abandon it afterwards.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy with my life right now, because I am. I’ve adopted a new mantra that gets me through the days, pushes me to do things I’m terrified to do. “Do one thing every day that scares you,” I tell myself, & then I get my job done. I’m learning to be a reporter because I’m taking this motto to heart: I’m proud of myself for not falling apart (yet) & I am proud when my stories make the front page.

I’m pretty much alone in my life right now. I moved out, so I don’t see my mom much, even if I talk to her every day. I don’t see the select few people from CF who I’m still friends with, & although I know they love  me, it’s not as though my absence leaves a gaping hole or anything. I don’t talk to anyone very often, with the exception of maybe Kevin…

And here? Here I have friends, but usually only when I’m at work. I know it’s pathetic, but sometimes I don’t want to leave the Stater office because it’s the only interaction I ever have with anyone, even if it’s usually stressful, work-related interaction. I’m not close with anyone there, no matter how much I care about a few of the people. They were friends before me, they have lives without me, they are their own & I am… well, I am my own. I am a sidenote.

So I spend Friday nights by myself, when I do things like watch Law & Order reruns, write my stories, read magazines, shop at Target. My life is mundane, I know, but I’m happy. I’m even happy being alone – sometimes, it’s what I prefer, by far.

And then sometimes… sometimes I remember what it feels like to be a part of something. I remember it because I had it most recently in D.C., even if we were a fake community, a slice of fantasy that doesn’t translate properly into reality, & I remember it because I had it at home at one time not all that long ago. I know I was never 100% comfortable in any of these groups, but I was there, & I had them, & they were comfortable.

Loneliness is not an emotional to which I am unaccustomed. I know it, I treasure it, I even enjoy it, but sometimes I can’t help but miss feeling like a part of something, anything. I always think my “place” is right around the corner, but every time I turn a new corner, I’m as left out as I was before. I’m lucky now, because I have things to throw myself into, I have my future to think of, I have plans to make.

But plans don’t replace people…

(protected up,too.

i'm a rambler tonight.)

It’s Friday night, & I’m doing homework, watching an episode of “Law & Order: SVU” that I’ve never seen, which is rare. Only one of my roommates is home, doing her architecture homework. I’m kind of dreading the other three roommates coming home, because it’s so peaceful right now. I know it’s Friday, I should be drinking or schmoozing or hanging out, or whatever… but it’s so nice to have a moment of quiet.

“I guess we’re big & I guess we’re small. If you think about it, man, we got it all.” –Five For Fighting-

I’m currently watching this wacked-out new Project Runway, & I’m feeling really, really bad about it. If Kayne is booted in favor of one of these returned hacks, I may kick Heidi Klum is her perfectly-toned stomach.

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My cell phone is broken. I can call people & hear them talking, but they can’t hear me. Freaking piece of sh!t. I’ve had it for less than a year, & it’s already obsolete.

Greg Behrendt has his own dating show. Why would you take your dating advice from a guy with a bleach-blonde mullet who’s wearing a vest in his series pilot commercial?

((()))

And speaking of hair, is mine ready to grow back in yet? Please? It’s at that stage where I look like an overweight pixie. It’s not even obvious anymore that it’s growing out from a bad buzz; instead, it looks like maybe I just wanted this hairdo, you know? And that’s worse.

I’m so stressed. I feel like I’m failing at everything I’m doing right now.

“I never love nobody fully, always one foot on the ground.” –Regina Spektor-

Crushes are the bane of my existence. I don’t want to like anyone; it calls for too much inner commotion. I don’t want to think about anyone who doesn’t think about me. It feels so childish.

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I have had horrific heartburn for, like, 3 days. is this a sign of something bad? I suppose I ought to Google it.

Aman & Bryan & I decided to watch “The Witches” together because Aman, poor deprived Indian child be is, has never seen it, & Bryan & I want to relive our childhoods via bad ‘80s special effects.

((())) 

I finished my Feature Writing story & even though Dave one-upped me by being the poster child for overachievement, I feel pretty good about it. I don’t think the Stater will publish it, but I may send it to the Record-Courier. (Stop laughing, bitches!)

I took a gabillion-hour nap today, & now I’m not even tired. Tricky sitch. I’m gonna try to sleep…

PS, one of my best friends, Miyuki, announced her engagement today, & I could not be any happier. A California weddinjg is in the works! Come hell, high water or financial hardship, I will be there.

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