November 30, 2006

• “This wire around my neck ain’t there for fun.” –Anna Nalick-

   

  I just need to cry.

   

  There, I said it, out in the open on my blog & for the whole world to see. I just want to bawl my eyes out, scream & cry & punch walls, forget about my life. I want to sleep until winter break starts. I want to not feel anything.

   

  Why do I let other people affect me so much? What do I care what they think? Why does it matter? I know it shouldn’t. But somehow, it does.

   

  I let every little thing, especially the unspoken things, eat me away. I overanalyze everything, probing apart people’s actions & words & the lack thereof of both. I fabricate meanings & am too embarrassed to ask if those meanings exist – and when I do ask, I appear crazy, no one wants to answer.

   

  I seem to care so much more than everyone else cares.

   

  I need to stop giving myself away, letting people in. I need to stop feeling so much for people who don’t feel for me. I need to keep to myself, be alone, stop being vulnerable. I do this to myself, allow myself vulnerability, because I worry & care & try & hurt myself in the process. I always hurt myself more than I hurt anyone else.

   

  Am I going to end up like him??? He felt too much, too. Being this kind of person… eventually, I think, it tears you apart. Eventually, it kills you.

  • 12:17 am
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