“Sometimes an on/off switch would sure come in handy.” –Rocky Votolato-

These new happy pills are turning me into a zombie a la Zach Braff in Garden State.

Still no job. Waterworks meeting today- permanent Kitchen Girl, what? Marisa & I made a lovely trip to Applebee’s where I had an exceptionally meaty quesadilla (yikes!) & I hardly talked the whole time because, like I said, I’m a zombie right now.

<<<>>>

Brian called me an alcoholic. Funny- in 2 ½ years at OU I was never referred to as a heavy drinker by anyone, ever. Home for a week & I get dubbed the new alkie on the block? Wait a minute…

I’m reading Catcher in the Rye & it’s really good. I love Salinger. I guess having all this time off isn’t such a bad thing- I’m being pseudo-useful. Except for the fact that I slept for 11 hours last night.

((()))

It’s official. I am the new Joey Locicero.

i know the cake looks funny, dadddy

but i sure tried

(happy birthday)

“You were matches & kerosene. Is your conscience clear, can you get it clean?” –The Jealous Sound-

What an up-and-down day. The doctor put me on new happy pills- he says he’s worried about me. I guess I’m worried about me. I guess this should help & I guess I hope it does. Then I went to the cemetery & cried & cried & didn’t talk this time, just cried. And then I wrote “I love you” in the dirt with a stick & I decided to be happy & so I left.

I applied for jobs around the mall, and The Olive Garden interviewed me & it seemed very hopeful because I think I’m pretty good with interviews & stuff. I left there pretty euphoric & I really hope it pans out. I need stimulation & involvement & something to wake up for every day & oh yeah, I need money, too.

<<<=>>>

The IX Center was a par-tayyy, riding the Freak Out which made my stomach flop around & eating a delicious corndog with Ames & feeding cute fuzzy chicks with Annie & Joey even though the ducks wouldn’t come near us, and taking a picture on the roller coaster looking like Zoolander while holding stuffed Sugar Daddies. So even though I bummed money off Ann, it was a good time & I’m glad she talked me into it.

((()))

I feel like: I’ve been a bad friend. I should tell the truth. I’m where I belong. My mom means well. This job might pan out. I need some new shoes. I miss him. I miss his friends. I love my friends. I wish I was going to Columbus tomorrow. I’m gonna be happy, right?

Sorry this has been such a downer, kiddies. I’ll be back as Suzie Sunshine in no time, believe you me.

“Live it up when you get the chance.” –The Dixie Chicks-

Today I officially reapplied for the summer semester at Kent State. I’m gonna be a Flash soon. It’s an odd feeling, knowing my Bobcat pals all started Spring Quarter today & here I am in CF with no classes & no job… but it’s okay, it really is.

New York was, as expected, a blast, even if it was with my mom & her friend & even if they are both probably lunatics. The trip consisted of two extremely shifty transactions with extremely shifty Chinese mafia people from whom we bought faux designer purses (sweatshop, what?). Also, two BROADWAY shows that rocked my life! Also, Sephora so that my lips can be venomous.

Last night was Drop Dead Gorgeous & “love stripes” & three on a bed & gossiping in the driveway. True friends ARE like four-leaf clovers. Hard to find & lucky to have. I’ve just been applying this quote to the wrong people- I found my clovers five years ago.

Annie is begging me to go to the IX Center with her. She’s even begging me to let her pay, sicne I am broke as an effing joke that’s nowhere near funny. So this post is cut way short.

I’m home. Call me. Yes, you. Do it.

“I just can’t look, it’s killing me & taking control (…jealousy).” –The Killers-

Okayyyyy, so I exaggerated a bit. You know how I do. I had fun at the wedding, I really, really, really did. I just wish sometimes that I was not such a weak, moronic, gullible asshole in regards to certain aspects of my personality.

<<<>>>

Last night I went to Luna’s with the lovely Marisa Lee where I probably upped my artery-cloggage percentage by quite a bit as I dined on a pasta bake that was absolutely swimming in butter…  whatever, it was good & I got to vent a little- okay a lot- about some things that have been on my mind. Conclusions:

·         I’m too protective of “friends” who aren’t protective (or even aware) of me

·         I really have a jealousy problem that I need to tone down a LOT

·         Marisa needs to clean her bedroom room, stat

Today I am wearing pheromones that smell like cake & I sort of feel like I just smeared icing on my wrists or something.

((()))

There’s a lady in the library with fingernails as long as my forearms & I am not effing around on that description. I mean, she could flay people with those suckers. Also, the guy sitting next to me in breathing suuuper loud through his nose.

New Yawk tomorrow. Our flight leaves entirely too early in the morning & I found out that I have to sleep on the floor throughout he whole vacation (we’re staying at a friend’s apartment). Also, I am broke, which makes for shitty shopping. Whatever, it’s New York. How dare I complain. It’s gonna kick.

{{{}}}

“When you break down & your back’s to the wall you’re a crisis with a backbeat.” –The Jealous Sound-

The wedding was fun if you cross out the parts where I felt like an incompetent, unattractive fool, where I was gullible & stupid & bitchy. Where I left a nasty drunk dial for one friend & got in a nasty fight with a certain someone who still matters even when he thinks he doesn’t. If you forget those parts, and the fact that I had a massive allergy attack at the “after-party” (if it can be called that) & fell asleep on the porch, then the wedding was fun.

((()))

I feel like my life is in freeze-frame right now. I’m in a place I know but I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. Everything is slow & in-between, like I’m waiting for a new chapter of my life to start.

I wish I could afford an apartment. I wish I could afford anything, actually. I hate being home for such an indefinite amount of time because my mom is already driving me toward the loony bin. I want to move out but still be home in a CF-sense… but I don’t have money for rent, I don’t have a friend for a roommate, I don’t have any idea what I’m even doing…

{{{/}}}

I sold all of my VHS videos to The Exchange for a whopping $31.⁷⁴. I also bought Vanilla Sky even though I hated it, in memory of someone who loved it & thought I was crazy & ill-tasted when I disagreed. Maybe if I watch it again, I’ll get it. Secretly I didn’t like it because I am too shallow to understand the point of it.

I want to know: How did we come undone? Am I losing my best friend? Do I really have any friends? How do I always end up alone? Why do I push everyone away? Why don’t I stand up for myself when I get walked on? Why am I so gullible? How can I be so egotistical when I actually suck so much at so many aspects of life?!

<<<>>>

This weekend has been a depressing disaster. I can only hope that NYC is utterly amazing & cancels out all memory of these horrible self-loathing feelings I’ve developed.

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be than on my way home to you tonight.” –Rocky Votolato-

Well, it’s done, it’s settled, the die has been cast & I am officially home. I only cried once, and I haven’t cried since… it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be good.

So, I owe the government $74. I’m so effing angry. How does that happen?! I was SO looking forward to getting money back, but NO, I have to fork over more.

<<<>>>

Regardless of my dire financial straits, I bought two hella-cute pairs of dress shoes from Carnival today, and also a springy summer dress, all of which I will probably never have any opportunity to wear, since I never dress up. Whatever, a girl can dream, can’t she? And break her bank while she’s at it?

WEDDING TOMORROW! After all the death that’s overshadowed the first three months of this year, I couldn’t be more thrilled to spend one glorious night celebrating life instead of mourning the loss of it. My utmost congratulations to Jenn & James and may they be happy forever & ever & ever, and may Annie & get absolutely smashed at the reception. AMEN.

((()))

Morning comes to take me away

How I wish that I could stay

But girl, you know I’ve got to go.

Lord, I wish it wasn’t so.

Save tonight, fight the break of dawn

Come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone…

Don’t say goodbye / goodbye / goodbye

It’s all said and done

Goodbye…

“No one is listening anyway… (time is the best at forgiving in).” –The New Amsterdams-

Oh my effing geeeeeeeeeeeez. Who’s coming to the Copeland, Acceptance & Lovedrug concert with me & the boy on April 6^th? I’m falling off my chair with excitement. $10, folks, don’t spread the word ‘til I have a ticket in my hand cuz if I get shut out, I will CRY.

(((//))) 

Today a random guy at the BP in Marietta dressed all in khaki, boy-scout-style, rolled his window down & said to me, “Nice hula girl y’got there” (on my dashboard) & then drove away. Weird. Anyways, it’s a hula boy, thankyouverymuch, strumming a ukulele.

I made a goal to lose 20 pounds by my 21^st birthday, which is in August… that evens out to 5 pounds a month. My mom & I are starting Weight Watchers together after NYC & hopefully by the big two-one, I’ll be svelte enough to feel cute while belting out drunken karaoke with my girls in a wasted haze at some as-yet-unknown bar.

<<<=>>>

I’ve had a DVD player for three years now… in that time, my VHS collection has nearly tripled & I own approximately seven DVDs. In an attempt to remedy this technological embarrassment, I ordered four DVDs off of half.com & I’m suuuuuuper excited.

Exams Wednesday & Thursday, home (for good!) on Thursday night...

the distance doesn’t finalize defeat

(wait up for me

you’re where I want to be)

“(Her) walls are getting taller, (her) world is getting smaller.” –Jack Johnson-

Current obsessions: Girl Scout cookies, chick flicks, Half.com, Gwen Stefani, packing for home.

Stayed in last night to watch the tear-inducing Ladder 49 with some of the girls. At the end, we were a big, sniffling mess of sorority girliness, wiping tears into our sleeves & emitting loud honking sobs. A sight to be seen, for sure.

<<</>>>

I hope that going home is all it’s cracked up to be.

My soon-to-be former school, the ever sports-retarded Ohio University, officially beat the SHIT out of the popped-collar, J. Crew-wearing, tennis-&-polo-playing, enemy instituition Miami University yesterday in the basketball semi-finals. Eff yeahhhhhh!!!

                ---P.S., I actually hate basketball---

((()))

As my life is infinity boring at the current time, I presently have nothing entertaining to say in my entries & for that I sincerely apologize. It is my hope that in the upcoming weeks, the excitement quota in my life will be significantly upped… we shall see.  

do i look like a mob-beater, sir?

i dunno

“Why do I smile at people who I’d much rather kick in the eye?” –The Smiths-

I wonder if you’d get a lot of funny looks when walking if, instead of casually making turns, you made, like, 90 degree angle turns. Like, walk, walk, walk, about face, TURN. I tried it today but only actually because I sort of almost missed the street I was supposed to turn on, annnd it felt weird.

I want some Bermuda shorts from Old Navy, in some bright color, even though I really think they look like they’re from the early 90’s when I was a pre-teen & wore my shorts to my knees, except those were usually cutoffs, too. I was a cool kid.

<<<>>>

Today has been a hard day. Not hard like I-have-lots-of-things-to-do hard but more like I-want-to-cry-every-10-seconds hard. I want it to be tomorrow. Annnnd GO.

I put two books on Half.com worth $45 and $54, respectively. Ha, they’re an acronym. Or antonym. Or something, what’s that word, like when things are the same forward & backward? Come onnnn, like racecar, you know?!

((()))

I went to dinner with the former ALD exec tonight to BW3’s- not Stephen’s or Damon’s!- and it was just like old times. We discussed the time Drew peed in my bed; girl-pop songs at full volume; what it would be like to have a pet bison; MTV shows; summer internships that everyone but me has… Old ALD will never say die.