An update on my entertainment-driven life, as follows:

Recently viewed movies:

·          “Another Gay Movie”

·          “Casino Royale”

·          “John Tucker Must Die”

·          “Monster House”

·          “Everything is Illuminated”

·          “Apocalypto”

Also recently viewed:

·          Season 1 of “Lost”

·          Season 2 of “Lost,” discs 1-5 only

Currently working on:

·          “The Da Vinci Code”

·          “Pirates of the Caribbean 2” (not

·          Season 2 of “Lost,” discs 6 & 7

Rented but haven’t started:

·          “Elizabethtown”

·          “Keeping Up With the Steins”

And currently reading:

·          The Dirty Girls Social Club by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez

Oh! And recently downloaded:

·          The Animal Collective

·          Beep Beep

·          Two Gallants

Also obsessed with:

·          Apple cider incense cones

·          Glade apple cinnamon candles

·          Buying more star ornaments

·          Being almost done with the semester

no one else will know these lonely dreams;
no one else will know that part of me.

Happy Birthday to the most phenomenal boy I have ever known.

i’m still driving away,
And i'm sorry every day.

I said it last year, & I’ll say it again, & I think I will say it every year, anyhow: Adulthood would have suited you so well.

i won’t always love these selfish things.
i won’t always live not stopping.

And if you’d made it, baby? Well, you would have been even more beautiful. I know it.

i won't always love what i'll never have.
i won't always live in my regret.

I love you.

 HOW AM I NOT MYSELF??!  

“This wire around my neck ain’t there for fun.” –Anna Nalick-

I just need to cry.

There, I said it, out in the open on my blog & for the whole world to see. I just want to bawl my eyes out, scream & cry & punch walls, forget about my life. I want to sleep until winter break starts. I want to not feel anything.

Why do I let other people affect me so much? What do I care what they think? Why does it matter? I know it shouldn’t. But somehow, it does.

I let every little thing, especially the unspoken things, eat me away. I overanalyze everything, probing apart people’s actions & words & the lack thereof of both. I fabricate meanings & am too embarrassed to ask if those meanings exist – and when I do ask, I appear crazy, no one wants to answer.

I seem to care so much more than everyone else cares.

I need to stop giving myself away, letting people in. I need to stop feeling so much for people who don’t feel for me. I need to keep to myself, be alone, stop being vulnerable. I do this to myself, allow myself vulnerability, because I worry & care & try & hurt myself in the process. I always hurt myself more than I hurt anyone else.

Am I going to end up like him??? He felt too much, too. Being this kind of person… eventually, I think, it tears you apart. Eventually, it kills you.

“She says she’s got it all (I don’t wanna be the one to tell her that she don’t).” –Hot Hot Heat-

The people who live in my apartment complex certainly have interesting senses of humor. I’ve never met any of them, aside from the four with whom I reside, but based on the names of wireless connections at nearby townhomes – “stupidfucks,” “Adam.Is.Naked” and, my favorite, “swollen thermostat teet’” – I can only assume that they are all fascinatingly quirky.

Also: today is an H-Day. H for Hot Hot Heat (“Make Up The Breakdown” is my theme CD of the week), for headphones (mine are earmuff-style large), for half-priced (which the second season of “Lost” I rented from Family Video was), and for heartache, which doesn’t need discussed in parentheses.

The semester is nearly over, & I only have one exam, in the class I continually skip. Rachel & I finished our final project in Online Collaborative today, & my last Feature Writing story has been done for weeks but is due this Thursday. I have one more project to work on & two articles I’ve hardly started, but I’ve sort of given up on motivation.

creation / destruction

  Chanukah is coming.

No one is going to buy me these.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t tell you what I’d want if they did.

So much cooler than a Dell

Even if they'd never look like this on me

Badass Benneton luggage

You & I got somethin' but it's all & then it's nothing to me

     & I got my defenses when it comes to your intentions for me

1.       Chipotle chips & salsa

2.       Friendly DKS & Nat coworkers

3.       An aunt I can tell anything to

4.       Sylvia, my beat-up Civic

5.       Cheap finds at Gabriel Brothers

6.       Living vicariously through TV drama

7.       My C-Lot parking pass

8.       TV on DVD (right now,”Lost”)

9.       24-hour Sheetz

10.    A good relationship with my mom

11.    Having two grandparents alive

12.    My family who gets along

13.    Ritz chips

14.    Making a quick buck on eBay

15.    Scrabble

16.    Phone calls from family

17.    My adorable townhome in Kent

18.    A grandma who pays most of my rent

19.    The Microsoft Zune I’ll own tomorrow

20.    Meaningful song lyrics

21.    Suicide Girls

22.    Chocolate Turtle Chex Mix

23.    Half-price rentals at Family Video

24.    My Dell laptop

25.    Target's GO International clothing line

26.    “My dad’s side of the family”

27.    Neighbors who can’t party anymore because of their noise violation

28.    Being on good terms with exes

29.    Cover stories

30.    Student discounts

31.    Cherry-vanilla hookah

32.    Learning how to successfully “date”

33.    Have the opportunity to “date” someone adorable

34.    Beautiful Christmas music

35.    My darling dog, Missy

36.    The Brandton/Lovedrug.Myriad “Dream Show”

37.    CVS pharmacies

38.    My badass new digital camera

39.    Themed parties

40.    Numbing throat spray

41.    learning from my mistakes

42.    Tuesday night TV programming

43.    Being of legal drinking age

44.    Medicated lip balm

45.    L’Oreal shiny lip gloss

And more, more, more,  more, more! Thank G-d for all of it. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

I have calico hair, bitchezzzz!

“I’m a heathen & evil like you & there’s not much that we couldn’t do.” –Franz Ferdinand-

I had an interview today with Gannett, a company that owns dozens of newspapers nationwide. My interview went fine, I guess, but I got the impression that my interviewer wasn’t all that into me as a potential intern. Fucking splendid.

//////

This weekend is the first weekend since I moved here that I’ll stay in Kent. I work Saturday (right smack during the Ohio State/Michigan game) but I’ll be here on both Friday & Saturday nights. I’m looking forward to the Muroe show Saturday night & afterwards having a few people over for drinkety-drinks…

Why are funny girls so rare? One time Ryan told me I was the funniest girl he knows, & he said it was saying a ton because girls aren’t usually funny, & I was funnier than a lot of guys. I can’t tell whether or not I think I’m funny, but i know most girls aren’t. So maybe I’m only funny by default…

((()))

I’m drinking a beer alone in my room while watching “The 40-year-Old Virgin.”