“Any pessimists, I ain’t talk to them, plus I ain’t got a phone in my apart-a-ment.” –Kanye West-

Random news: We went to Heaven & Hell last night, where Erin acted like Paris Hilton, flailing all over the floor with her eyes half-closed. Caroline met a boy at Shabbat services with whom she spent most of the night, but they didn’t kiss because she asked him to respect her. Lisa & I came to a Sorority Girl Agreement about taking it where you can get it when you need it… & then she did.

<<<>>>

                  ("I bet you look good on the dance floor," Erin & Wes...)

Today I let my hair dry before I put any product in it & it looks so freaking weird. I mean, it’s a total pageboy cut, like Sara’s from work, only hers is super-flattering. WTF? Not gonna lie, I sort of dig it anyway.

I can’t decide whether I’m one of those people who actually secretly likes everyone or one who, underneath it all, really hates most people. Everything everyone does grates on my nerves, but somehow I still want to be friends with just about everyone.

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                  (The guy who took this pic is the one who caught Theo mid-piss.)

One of my favorite things EVER is when you’re passing someone on the street & you hear them say something completely out of context, so that even though it probably made sense it their conversation, it sounds absurd & oftentimes obscene when you hear it in passing. it happens all the time in the city.

Also, tourists continue to ask me for directions, which makes me feel good about my potential to “fit in” here. A super-confused family on the Metro implored of me whether they were on the right line toward the Smithsonian, & I was more than happy to tell them yes!

......

                  (Me & Chuck & inappropriate street-sign action)

Kevin sent me this picture he took of me at the Jewel/Rob Thomas show in June. My cheek looks saggy or something, but I love it:

PS, if you're from Alaska & looking at my site... who are you & how did you get here? Hi!

Hello, they call me "I Am."

What kind of vermin are

creeping on the streets tonight???

Note: Never listen to Dave Attell on headphones when your roommate is asleep, unless you enjoy stifling laughter & trying not to snort.

 On the Tidal Basin, playing Crack the Whip, paddle-boat-style! Yes, that's me in aviators & a beater. I didn't want a farmer's tan & the sun was outrageous. So suuuuue me.

 Bomb threat on K Street, next door to my office. Whaaaat? Yeah, I moved in close & snapped some photos.

Group photo, reminiscent of middle school class trips, on the Hill after meeting Bill Frist's robot of a Judaic liason.

Someone really hates gender roles on the streets of George Washington University...

“Show me how pretty the world is – I envy the way that you move.” –Matt Nathanson-

I’m happy when I think of the buttons I bought from Lambda Rising that say things like “HATE is not a family value” & “May the fetus you save be gay,” or when I get a School Days smoothie from the Daily Market with my amazing coworkers & we sit in the boardroom for a half hour discussing old-school TV shows & telling stories of when the gay boys dated girls.

I’m happy when I read ‘Smashed,’ which is bittersweet but very well-written & inspires me to write  abook someday, maybe a memoir, because I am also happy when I am telling stories & making people laugh, although I don’t know how well my humor translates into writing.

And speaking of writing, I am happy when I see my column on the Stater’s Web site, knowing that it is in print across campus & that thousands of students are reading what I have to say, or that my mom is emailing the Web link to all of our family. I am happy when I get goosebumps at the mention of “the press,” even when the mention is negative, because “the press” is all I’ve ever wanted to be.

I get an odd sort of happy when I look at old photographs of myself, from after I dated Scott but before I dated Kevin, when my hair was spunky & short, but not TOO short, when it was naturally red & really just very pretty, although I didn’t appreciate it.  I’m happy because I know it will be back eventually & all this vain suffering will make for a story that I can be proud of & pictures of myself that I can stash away & never look at ever again.

I am happy when I think of returning to Kent State, a place I never wanted to be & now can’t imagine leaving, because I love my Stater friends, & I can’t wait to be a real Stater girl this year. I’m happy that I found people I can trust, even if I don’t know why I can trust them. But maybe I do know… it’s because they bring me “surprises” that are three beers wrapped in paper towels, or because we can talk about abortion & eating disorders & then switch to ‘80s music, or because Jackie will tell off my “friends” when they hurt me even though she has no reason to care, or because Ameir & I break stereotypes just by being together.

For all these things, I really am happy. I try not to think so much about the other things – the drama & the insults & the rich kids who don’t know what it’s like to work for your money - & just enjoy being here. I love it here, bottom line. I AM happy.

“Look at my face. Do I got a promise-face? Do I look like I’d promise you anything?” –Bernie Mac for Kanye West-

WHY WON'T XANGA LET ME ADD MY PHOTOS???

We went to the Lincoln Monument tonight & Theo peed behind a tree. When we asked a random man to take a photo of our group, he pointed at Theo & said, “I know you!” & pulled him aside to chastise him for his chosen urination destination.

Apparently LeBron was at Waterworks today, & I wasn’t there to “witness” it (pun totally intended). I did, however, meet two of Harry Reed & Bill Frist’s assistants & view D.C. from the Senate Republicans’ viewing balcony, so I guess that counts for something.

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Taryn & I found a fabulous bar-slash-lounge called Tryst in Adam’s Morgan last night. We defected from the other MK kids & went alone, but Jason & his 2 cute friends met us there later. I learned how to swear in Arabic & got a free drink & a wink from the beautiful bartender. I also got insulted by Wes some more upon returning to the dorm.

We spent today paddle-boating in the Potomac Tidal Basin, where we formed a Crack the Whip-style chain with our group’s boats Taryn told off the jackass dockman. Natania keeps telling me I look better without make up but I feel like it’s sort of an insult to my made-up self, since I wear eyeliner every day.

((()))

I want to talk to someone about things. I want to let everything out & just be me.

Horoscope:
Rejection is protection. If that career move or love interest didn't work out, there's a reason why, although it may not be visible to you. The universe is working for you by blocking options that aren't right.

 The girl I wanted to be misses the girl I used to hate.

“I will never live like you but you will probably die like me: oh, lovelessly, an ending full of G-d & G-d makes plenty.” -Voxtrot- (I adore this song…)

I’m painfully cuddle-deprived. I don’t want to date anyone or be interested in anyone or fool around with anyone; I just want someone’s hand to hold & maybe a little flirty chemistry & perhaps a platonic nap. I’ve just really gotten antsy for some human physicality, but I’m uncomfortable flirting with any of the guys here to that extent. I’m bordering desperate for some sort of physical warmth to ease my emotional frostiness.

To you & you & you & (all of) you:

I’ve done enough dumb shit to know by now that you shouldn’t do things you’re going to be ashamed of later admitting to your friends, because things always get out, get told, get warped. Don’t trust anyone, don’t trust yourself, & certainly don’t trust your instincts. Don’t fuel fires with fighting words, & don’t assume that just because you’re doing something scandalous, everyone is talking about your sex life. You aren’t as godly as you like to imagine.

Stop talking to me about petty shit when you know I have other things, more important things, more pressing things, going on in my life. Don’t compare our lives when what we have, individually, is incomparable, on entirely different levels, with supremely different cores & concepts. We are not the same.

You’re so shallow, you can’t even recognize that you are. You are a rebel with no cause & no desire to find one. You differentiate your dissimilarities, proclaiming yourself “individual,” but you are closer to them than you realize. You’re only interested in the people who don’t want you, don’t need you, can certainly have you but won’t sink that low because they are just as shallow as you are, & you do not meet their standards of quality. “Recognize what you cannot achieve & retreat,” I want to tell you, but I never will, because you could tell me the same thing.

Despite the advice I give you & the stories I tell you & the secrets I share with you, you don’t know me. I, likewise, don’t pretend to understand you, although I am almost positive that I have a better understanding of your inner workings than you ever could of mine, because I am perceptive when you don’t have the time to be, & I am stronger than you can conceive of.

“Anywhere you are, you know the freedom there is dragging you down.”  -Voxtrot-

My Brit roommate, Caroline, went on a date with Dan today, whose name she thought was Jack, who claimed to be in law school at Brandeis, which doesn’t exist, & said his cousin cured pancreatic cancer.

I just massacred my big toe by opening a drawer into it. I screamed bloody murder… & speaking of bloody, it is. Everywhere.

It’s really hard to get back into the workday after having  a 5-day weekend. We did a citywide scavenger hunt, went to a D.C. Nationals game, picnicked in the common room while watching Project Runway, & went to the National Mall for the nation’s most prestigious fireworks… Photos NOW.

Roomies in the AU metro station after we missed our train home on Shabbat

Kayla shows Chuck some love in the Metro. Dip, baby, dip!

Take Seth & me out to the ballgame, take us out to the crowd! Don't buy us Cracker Jack, cuz it costs $6.

An American pasttime: boys & 'ball.

National Mall lawn, filled with people before the 4th of July light show

Marla swore she could squoosh 6 people into a self-taken picture... & she did!

"I promised I'd see it again. I promised I'd see this with you now."

“Clarity for Kate”…

The 4^th of July is the one holiday that, to its core, reminds me of Dave. No matter who I spend it with, it will always be Dave’s holiday. If he were alive, maybe I would have been able to forget the night we got back together at the Lake Anna fireworks, or at least move away from its  memory. The night we kissed on the hill, when I was forgiven for the mistakes I had made, before I had a chance to make the unforgivable ones.

Everyone who has ever read “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” has been able to pinpoint a moment in their lives when they felt infinite, & if you have not been able to find this moment, you will pine for it, ache for it, try to discern whether maybe you had it & didn’t realize it… but if you did, you know it, and if you didn’t, you’ll know it when it comes.

That was my infinite night, my infinite moment. Laughing under a blanket on the hill long after the fireworks had ended, kissing & feeling & talking & just letting ourselves be happy, Dave & I were infinite. A middle-aged woman walked by us, told us that if she were as youthful & opportunistic as we were, she’d be doing the same thing. We were something to envy.

Four years later feels like a lifetime. Four years later, Dave is dead & so is much of my innocence. I’ve never felt that way again. I’ve never had another moment of such sheer, unadulterated, blissful happiness. In that moment, I’d never felt so hopeful, or so lucky, and my future never felt so promising. Four years later, I am a mess of lies & broken promises. I have manipulated & ruined & hardened. What giving up gets you & where giving up takes you, I’ve had & I’ve been.

I wish I had known what loving him would give me, where it would take me, especially in his death. I wonder if, had I seen it coming, I’d have run the other way & abandoned the opportunity for that night, the best night of my life to date, & all the others like it that young love afforded me. I wonder if I would have given it all up to avoid feeling like this down the road.

I promised I’d see this again. I promised I’d see this with you now…

“When I leave here, I’m going alone. It’s not like it hurts much anyway.” –The Academy Is-

So many of these kids are pseudo-Ivy League trust fund kids… they spend $45,000 a year on tuition and their parents are doctors, lawyers, professors. They’re nice & they’re fun & they’re intelligent… but they can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be me & my friends. They don’t know kids who don’t go to college. They can’t comprehend being unable to afford an out-of-state university.

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The Blue/Orange line was out of order on our way home from the Union Station Theatre, so we waited for the Red upstairs instead… but the B/O came while we were upstairs. Josh yelled, “It’s here!” & we thundered down the escalators en masse, making it onto the right train just in time, where we collapsed into our seats in peals of laughter, rehashing the hilarity of our episode. We were basically like the McAllister family in the airport before Christmas vacation.

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I don’t have work tomorrow, because the day before the Fourth in D.C. is a holiday in itself. David organized a D.C.-wide scavenger hunt, so Marla & I are preparing our maps & tourbooks & comfortable shoes & we’re taking this thing onnnn! D.C. Nationals game at night, too, which ought to be a good time. I just hope it doesn’t rain for Tuesday’s fireworks.

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I got multiple news reports from the homefront today, & I feel like I’m missing out on so much. I’m glad I’m in D.C. because I’m enjoying myself, but it’s depressing to miss major occurrences. Kevin, Sam, Ryan, Mike… something relatively big has happened with each of them & I’m missing it all! Shooooooot.

“Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad.” –Jann Arden-

Tonight was a good time even if I didn’t adore the salsa club because I can’t really dance all that well. Kayla & I came home to chill with other people, & we had a good time even if Aaron was a bit sassy & Caroline brought home an unknown guy.

Erin says she doesn’t know why my hair is such a hot topic of conversation, & I sort of agree, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I always feel ugly & I’m very, very sick of it, but at the same time, I think I’m learning a lot about myself & my ego & my self-esteem… and if for nothing else, then I guess what I did was worth it, for that.

It’s funny how the people you trust the least because they dislike you the most sometimes spill things to you. It’s funny how you can switch back into Friend Mode with someone you’ve been in Acquaintance Mode (& even Enemy Mode) with for so long… It’s funny how some things never change.

My blisters are taking over my life, & my ankle is still swollen, but I went to the zoo with my roommates today, & it was  splendid. I’m having a good time here & finding my place even if, as Natania said, we still all know nothing about one another. I’m relatively comfortable, & I feel like “relatively” is all I can really hope for, anyway…

((()))