I’m starving for a real let-it-all-out conversation…

“Sometimes it seems this cycle never ends. We slide from top to bottom, then we turn & climb again.” –Death Cab for Cutie-

Law & Order season premieres! Is it pathetic when the thing I look forward to the most is TV shows? Project Runway is tomorrow. I live for this shit.

//////

I basically had a breakdown last night. I cried for about 2 hours, just kind of wigged out. G-d bless my mom for being the one person in my life who knows how to keep me sane.

Today I spent 5 hours at Board of Trustees meetings, a.k.a. most boring event of my life.

((()))

I love my apartment, & my roommates are nice & all… but I think I’m just not cut out to live with people. Every time someone talks or yells or laughs, I just want to rip my ears off. I’m such an only child…

I’m so glad it’s autumn. I may not be glad about too many other things, but fall makes me so happy. Can’t it stay like this forever???

//////

My life is really just overwhelming me right now.

I’m proud of my Fusion story, I think, or at least I could me. All I really want is for my writing to be something special & somehow, it’s never enough. I want to be amazing; mediocrity is not cutting it for me.

But I don’t even have the energy to try for amazing.

I like a boy. I tried to tell myself I didn’t: I didn’t care, I didn’t remember, I didn’t give a damn. But I do... When I realized that he has a thing for one of my friends, it felt like a punch in the face. “You fucking idiot,” my heart keeps telling me, and somehow I never listen. I'm so tired  of feeling ugly.

I want to cry every single day, but I don’t have the time or the weakness.

It’s not that I’m not happy. I am, I think, when I have the time to wonder whether or not I am. But I sleep too much & use up time I need for other things, things that pile up on me.

I’m not even a full-time student this semester. I’m part time, because I only need 3 more classes after this semester, but I wasn’t allowed to take them all right now. I’m ashamed, somehow, of that part-time status, like somehow it makes me less. Like I don’t deserve to be stressed.

I keep waiting for everything to fall apart.

I feel like everything is dangerously balanced.

I can’t keep this up for a whole semester, can I?

“When they say that I’m just a terrible kite, you’ll tell them you’re proud of my loveless flight.” –Copeland-

I’m feeling really introspective tonight, & I don’t want to be. I’ve kind of being trying to suppress it, but I figured I might as well write it all out so that I can abandon it afterwards.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy with my life right now, because I am. I’ve adopted a new mantra that gets me through the days, pushes me to do things I’m terrified to do. “Do one thing every day that scares you,” I tell myself, & then I get my job done. I’m learning to be a reporter because I’m taking this motto to heart: I’m proud of myself for not falling apart (yet) & I am proud when my stories make the front page.

I’m pretty much alone in my life right now. I moved out, so I don’t see my mom much, even if I talk to her every day. I don’t see the select few people from CF who I’m still friends with, & although I know they love  me, it’s not as though my absence leaves a gaping hole or anything. I don’t talk to anyone very often, with the exception of maybe Kevin…

And here? Here I have friends, but usually only when I’m at work. I know it’s pathetic, but sometimes I don’t want to leave the Stater office because it’s the only interaction I ever have with anyone, even if it’s usually stressful, work-related interaction. I’m not close with anyone there, no matter how much I care about a few of the people. They were friends before me, they have lives without me, they are their own & I am… well, I am my own. I am a sidenote.

So I spend Friday nights by myself, when I do things like watch Law & Order reruns, write my stories, read magazines, shop at Target. My life is mundane, I know, but I’m happy. I’m even happy being alone – sometimes, it’s what I prefer, by far.

And then sometimes… sometimes I remember what it feels like to be a part of something. I remember it because I had it most recently in D.C., even if we were a fake community, a slice of fantasy that doesn’t translate properly into reality, & I remember it because I had it at home at one time not all that long ago. I know I was never 100% comfortable in any of these groups, but I was there, & I had them, & they were comfortable.

Loneliness is not an emotional to which I am unaccustomed. I know it, I treasure it, I even enjoy it, but sometimes I can’t help but miss feeling like a part of something, anything. I always think my “place” is right around the corner, but every time I turn a new corner, I’m as left out as I was before. I’m lucky now, because I have things to throw myself into, I have my future to think of, I have plans to make.

But plans don’t replace people…

(protected up,too.

i'm a rambler tonight.)

It’s Friday night, & I’m doing homework, watching an episode of “Law & Order: SVU” that I’ve never seen, which is rare. Only one of my roommates is home, doing her architecture homework. I’m kind of dreading the other three roommates coming home, because it’s so peaceful right now. I know it’s Friday, I should be drinking or schmoozing or hanging out, or whatever… but it’s so nice to have a moment of quiet.

“I guess we’re big & I guess we’re small. If you think about it, man, we got it all.” –Five For Fighting-

I’m currently watching this wacked-out new Project Runway, & I’m feeling really, really bad about it. If Kayne is booted in favor of one of these returned hacks, I may kick Heidi Klum is her perfectly-toned stomach.

/////

My cell phone is broken. I can call people & hear them talking, but they can’t hear me. Freaking piece of sh!t. I’ve had it for less than a year, & it’s already obsolete.

Greg Behrendt has his own dating show. Why would you take your dating advice from a guy with a bleach-blonde mullet who’s wearing a vest in his series pilot commercial?

((()))

And speaking of hair, is mine ready to grow back in yet? Please? It’s at that stage where I look like an overweight pixie. It’s not even obvious anymore that it’s growing out from a bad buzz; instead, it looks like maybe I just wanted this hairdo, you know? And that’s worse.

I’m so stressed. I feel like I’m failing at everything I’m doing right now.

“I never love nobody fully, always one foot on the ground.” –Regina Spektor-

Crushes are the bane of my existence. I don’t want to like anyone; it calls for too much inner commotion. I don’t want to think about anyone who doesn’t think about me. It feels so childish.

//////

I have had horrific heartburn for, like, 3 days. is this a sign of something bad? I suppose I ought to Google it.

Aman & Bryan & I decided to watch “The Witches” together because Aman, poor deprived Indian child be is, has never seen it, & Bryan & I want to relive our childhoods via bad ‘80s special effects.

((())) 

I finished my Feature Writing story & even though Dave one-upped me by being the poster child for overachievement, I feel pretty good about it. I don’t think the Stater will publish it, but I may send it to the Record-Courier. (Stop laughing, bitches!)

I took a gabillion-hour nap today, & now I’m not even tired. Tricky sitch. I’m gonna try to sleep…

PS, one of my best friends, Miyuki, announced her engagement today, & I could not be any happier. A California weddinjg is in the works! Come hell, high water or financial hardship, I will be there.

//////

I said this today & for the first time, realized how true it is:

“Love isn’t a weakness.”

Tonight:

·          I kind of hooked one of my very best friends up with a very nice, attractive boy, & they have scheduled an “American Beauty” date in the near future.

·          Dave & Adam accompanied me to The Robin Hood, where we sort of drank, kind of, & we talked trash about randoms & Adam decided I only like boys with bad hair & Dave decided I could do better.

((()))

·          Adam’s car was towed from Wendy’s, so I drove him all the way back to freaking ghettoville Akron. I tried to cheer him up with bad ‘80s tunes, but it didn’t work.

·          Seth & I almost hung out, except then we didn’t.

·          I came back to the 1525 to experience a sandwich hug from the freshmen & break eggs into the sink with Travis.

//////          

·          I'm still pondering the oddity of hanging out with two guys named Dave & Adam, together in one night. All I needed was a Kevin to round out Boy-Friends-With-My-Ex-Boyfriends'-Names Night.

“Haven’t you heard that I’m the new cancer?” –Panic! at the Disco-

What a horribly boring Thursday night. I mean, could I be any more lame? I had an interview ‘til 8. I fell asleep from 9 – 10. I’ve been looking for footage of the Crocodile Hunter’s death ever since I woke up. I don't think I wanted to see it anyway, though.

//////

My life is still ridiculously, painfully hectic. I’m getting decent at time management, luckily. I quit The Burr because even though it’s sheisty of me to do, I didn’t want to turn in a story I couldn’t be proud of, & I knew that’s what would happen.

Today I went against my personal morals & purchased a bag of Pepperoni Pizza Combos from the Taylor vending machine. I’m opposed to pizza-flavored Combos on principal, because a red paste does NOT equal the taste of a scrumptious pizza. But man, was I hungry.

<<<>>>

I’m spending tomorrow night at The Robin Hood Music Bar & Grille to write a piece for Feature Writing… basically I have to approach & interview random drunks. Could that be any more uncomfortable? Kurt said he might come with me so I have a safe haven retreat, you know, for if the drunks become overwhelming…

 ’Keep telling yourself that: ‘I’m a diva…’”