“When I grow up & get married, I’m livin’ alone!” –‘Home Alone’-

I’m on sensory overload. All I want is to watch goddamn Grey’s Anatomy & ER in peace. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to listen, I just want to watch. I want to write my Feature writing assignment. I want to go to bed early so I can wake up at 7 a.m. to cover the Media Mindsets Conference tomorrow.

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My roommate is on her webcam on the couch next to me, yelling into her computer, listening to her voicemails on loudspeaker, & occasionally trying to chat with me. More importantly, my neighbors on both sides are partying, listening to music so loud that things are practically falling off our walls.

I’m so tired of inconsiderate people. I need to get the TV to work in my bedroom so that I never have to leave it. That doesn’t help with the neighbors, though… maybe I’ll call the cops on them, or turn them in to the landlord for having a cat.

((()))

I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to go to my mom’s. I want to personally murder half of my housing development.

Sgt. Justin Walsh died this morning from wounds sustained in an Iraqi bombing.

He was a nice guy, a smart guy, a brave guy - a true "hometown hero" if ever one existed.

Cuyahoga Falls & the United States military were lucky to have had him.

Rest in peace, Justin.
You will always be remembered.

“Leavin’ me with no place left to go from here; leavin’ me so many questions all these years.” –Sheryl Crow-

I have a little crush that is going absolutely nowhere, & I’m a little bit frustrated that it even exists. Blah.

My downloading program works again. There’s music in my life once more! Thank heavens.

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I went to Chipotle today simply to pick up chips & salsa. I wanted to stash up, so I got six little containers of green salsa. I felt like a freak buying so much, but now I have a mini stockpile. Yummmm. 

Today I followed the abortion trucks all over campus, looking for student responses for an article. You know, the anti-choice crazies were driving around trucks with graphic images of aborted fetuses, & they flew a plane with a banner of one over campus, too. I followed the damn things for 45 minutes! So is my life. Ha.

((()))

Elise & I hit up Swenson’s today for her first-ever experience there, and I must say, it was pretty splendid. Potato Teezers are phenommmmenal. I’m a sucker for fried fair-style food… and clogged arteries.

Today it’s been a whopping 20 months since our lives turned upside down – who’s counting? I wish I weren’t…

“Call it self-defense. You can obfuscate & manipulate, but it’s only at your own expense.” –Barenaked Ladies

Everyone I know has apparently abandoned Xanga, which means no one really reads mine anymore. Kind of a bummer, but I’ll probably keep writing.

Sukkot began on Friday, & I kicked it off with sukkah decorating at Hillel on Thbursday night. It was a bit awkward because I didn’t know anyone, but Sukkot is such a nice holiday. I love the fall, & it’s such an autumnal holiday… I just felt really at home, spiritual. It was great.

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I’ve been feeling pretty lonely lately. I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship, but I wouldn’t mind dating or at least crushing. I’m still struggling with some hair-induced self-esteem issues, but things are getting better – now, it’d be nice if I ever met any new guys… blech.

Things I want but cannot afford:

·          The newest Barenaked  Ladies CD

·          My Hebrew “persevere” tattoo

·          Stamps to mail the thank yous/apologies I have written

·          The second season of “Desperate Housewives” on DVD

((()))

Everything is okay.

“People don’t seem really happy where they are. They’re always looking for a different place, a different person – just different.” –George, ‘Dead Like Me’-

I drank a Vitamin C smoothie & afterwards read the ingredients. One of them? Maitake mushrooms. I am allergic to mushrooms. Commence freak-outage. Damn it.

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There were two, count ‘em, two spiders crawling across my car windows today. My mom used to say, “Spiders come to a happy home,” but my battered Civic is not all that happy, so I wish these arachnids would leave me the hell alone.

Speaking of the Civ (Sylvia), I had a few abusive driving experiences today. I was sworn at by an overzealous pedestrian who couldn’t wait 10 seconds to cross the street & later was almost backed into by a big, hankin’ SUV. Not my vehicular day.

((())) 

My Robin Hood story went in the Stater today, and I’m really happy with it. They cut it a lot & it took second fiddle to Sara’s bartender story, but it’s still a good piece & a good clip. Props to myself.

“It’s awful being a grown-up, but the carousel never stops turning. You can never get off..” –Ellis Grey, ‘Grey’s Anatomy’-

Today I made a decision that I thought was for the best. I took my own happiness into consideration above all else, & I really thought it would be the right thing for me.

My mom calls me at 10:00 and again at 10:20, leaving these cryptic messages that just say “call me.” When I call her back, she’s furious with me, saying I’m my own worst enemy & basically that I’m making this awful decision & throwing the money card into the game…

The phone call ended with me saying, “Screw you, Mom,” and her hanging up on me. I proceeded to cry until I peeled myself off my bed to write this entry.

I can’t feel bad. I did what I needed to do. I’m not unhappy with what I did because I was too unhappy with what I was doing. Right? Right, right… Elise & Dave & I, all we do, every day, is tell each other we’re  miserable & contemplate how we can figure things out.

I don’t want to be miserable. I made the right choice. I did...

like children, we never give up hope

“It was hard to  tell just how I felt to not recognize myself – I started to fade away.” –Feist-

I took one of those naps where I woke up & wasn’t sure what day it was. Also, my entire apartment was dark & empty… weird.

My cousin Michael’s wedding was fabulous, beautiful, expensive. It was held at The Foundry, rated the #1 place in the city to get hitched, according to About.com. I met a couple of people who are interested in helping me find an internship & possibly even a job in NYC.

((()))

I think my neighbors are: A) renovating their entire townhome, B) trapped in the basement, C) nailing every picture known to man to their walls, D) starting a bongo band, or E) all of the above. They’ve been banging, non-stop, on something for 2 hours now.

This weekend I have no plans except for work on Saturday & Daphne’s 2^nd birthday party on Sunday. Nice & relaxing… but we’ll see how I actually feel by the time the weekend rolls around, huh?

PS, my grandma bought me my Chanukah present… from Tiffany & Co.

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“We’re nothing more than fools & whores & sad highs.” –Augustana-

I had a minor disaster tonight when I shook my bottle of Bolthouse Farms juice without the cap on. Basically, it was like I threw a smoothie across the room. It was everywhere – in my ear, on my clothes, all over the carpet & the couch… thank heavens for Woolite.

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I didn’t know Tony Bennett was still alive. Is he? The Target “80^th anniversary” commercials are throwing me.

I leave for NYC on Thursday at 2:00. I’d be lying if I said I was excited because I’m not, but whatever. It’s NYC, I guess it can’t be that bad, right?

((()))

My life is still a mess, but I guess I’m just a messy kinda person.

“This is not my life, or maybe it is? I keep on forgetting myself.” –Third Eye Blind-

It sort of sucks when the guy you maybe-kind-of-liked starts dating a girl you’re maybe-kind-of friends with, because you want to be angry & say, “Oh, her?” but you can’t because she’s really pretty awesome.

Addicted to Odwalla. Anyone else? I mean, really, they’re nutritious and taste amazing, even if “odwalla” is a derogatory Indian word for a crazy person.

((()))

I think maybe I work on breakdown cycles, where I can function up to a certain point before I flip out, before I hit a wall & have to have a minor attack before I can continue. And then, once I slough off the stress build-up, I start over, do it all over again. I started another down-cycle this week.

Abbey & I applied black squirrel tattoos to our right wrists today, & we felt a little bit like Planeteers, like if we put our wrists together some crazy superhero would emerge. While I bought Odwalla at Prentice this evening, the cashier asked me if the tattoo was real, as though I might really ink Kent’s unofficial mascot into my skin.

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I have three articles to start/finish & a Human Sexuality exam to study for, but if Elise & Dave agree, I hope to also get a little drink on on this lovely week night. Manic Monday indeed….

“Your perfect verse is just a lie that you tell yourself to help you get by.” –Death Cab for Cutie-

This is me sitting around being a big, mopey mess.

I was sick Thursday/Fridayish, & now I’m fine, but I’ve  spent all this time lately thinking about where my life is going & when I turned into the most boring individual on the planet.

I don’t do a damn thing. I don’t have real friends. Guys don’t like me anymore. Sometimes I don’t even like me anymore.

My mom says I’m too negative. I never thought I was a negative person, but I suppose, perhaps, that I am. I’ve become a cynic. I don’t like most of the people I know, & most  of them are indifferent to me. I feel like my life is crashing into heaping piles of nothingness, like maybe I’m never going to make it anywhere & I’ve been fooling myself all along in thinking otherwise.

I miss laughing & loving & most of all, I miss living.