“It’s okay, I’m all right. I’m just a little rough around the edges of this life.” –Teitur

Today has been the moodiest day ever. It’s been so up & down, a mess of emotions that don’t match. I don’t know how to feel.

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I had a somewhat regrettable experience at last night’s “Dominatrix Future Partay,” but damnnn, I looked good doing it. I love themed parties. I love pretending to be something I’m not. I love wearing tons of eyeliner & dressing up like someone else for a night every once in awhile.

Today… [drumroll please]… I was offered a position as a Legislative Assistant for the Religious Action Center in Washington, D.C. I, of course, accepted. I don’t think I’ve ever been so surprised in my life! It doesn’t pay very well (read: terribly), but it’s an incredible opportunity that I couldn’t dream of passing up. And I’ll be in D.C. next year!

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Now if only I could get some good news about an internship… I learned that if I only find something part-time, I can’t graduate until December because I’ll have to intern until September or so. But because the RAC program begins in August, it’s now a necessity for me to graduate in August. I’m crossing every crossable appendage in hopes of Stateline. It’d be perfect, bridging journalism (my major) and politics (my assistantship). Say a prayer.

And while you’re  praying… John still needs all of them that he can get. He had two surgeries today, & he’s still not in the clear.

Staying up too late doing nothing at all. Efffff.

“I guess that’s what makes life so interesting – keeping yourself open, letting new people in, changing your mind. Not being afraid of the unexpected.” –Liz, Roswell

Spring Break is going along quite nicely. I’m rather glad I decided not to go to the Gulf Coast, because it just wouldn’t have been right for me. I needed this, this week to regroup & be with my friends & family. I didn’t necessarily need to sleep in until 2 p.m. today, but… hey, whatever.

And everything happens for a reason. I was home to hear the news that a friend of mine had been in a bad motorcycle accident, & although I can’t do anything for him, I’m glad I was home to find out. Please say a prayer for him – he hit a patch of gravel & a guardrail & right now it’s looking pretty iffy.

Ameir got a big-kid job in Washington, D.C. & Elise got an internship with Cleveland Magazine, and I… still haven’t heard anything. Well, that’s a lie. I’ve gotten four rejections, but I’ve yet to hear anything positive. I’m crossing all my fingers & hoping so hard that I get the Stateline internship, but I won’t know until next week.

I rented the first season of Roswell on DVD & am spending a great deal of time watching that & chillaxin’. I’m also eating healthfully & doing a pretty darn good job. Spring Break HOLLA.

“Someday I’ll fly. Someday I’ll soar. Someday I’ll be so damn much more.” –John Mayer

A blind man in Oregon hired a deaf guy to be his apprentice. I’m fascinated as to how this can possibly work. How on earth will they communicate in this Helen Keller friendship?!

I had an interview today with the Utne Reader that I think went really well, except for the part when I leaned back on my bed & a massive picture frame fell off my wall & clocked me on the head.

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I’m supposed to hear from The Washingtonian by the end of the week and Stateline.org by the beginning of April. BPEF said it’d be a few weeks… I just want to know where I’ll be this summer, what I’ll be doing & for whom. I hate not knowing what my life will be like a mere two months from now.

I bought the most hilarious shirt on the planet yesterday for $2 from Gabe’s. It has Notorious BIG’s face on it in pink glitter. Seriously, I love it with an intensely amusing passion.

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I’m on muscle relaxers and painkillers for my back right now, and my doctor freaked me out by telling me to hope it’s not a surgical problem… I almost cried. I can’t imagine the thought of having to go through all that again. I’m getting x-rays tomorrow & hoping for the best.

dear catastrophe girlfriend:

she can’t understand how everyone goes on living when true love ends.

YYY

heaven’s not a place that you go when you die

it’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive

so live for the moment, and take this advice:

love is just a hoax, so forget anything you have heard

* -* – * -* – * -* – * -* – * -* – * -* – * -* – * -* -

d e a d b e a t  s w e e t h e a r t

* -* – * -* – * -* – * -* – * -* – * -* – * -* – * -* -

could somebody show me

the kind of affection

that you only see in the movies?

Y

oh,no.

love

just

leaves

you

BRUISED.

“At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody.” –Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

I haven’t Xanga’d for nearly a month. How disgustingly amazing is that? I’ve never gone that long without blogging. I’m sort of bummed that everyone’s abandoned Xanga, but I felt like hitting it up again…

I got an HIV test yesterday because it was free & I think it’s a smart thing for anyone who’s ever had sex to have done. I tested negative, so fret not – but the finger-prick hurt like MAD. The testing guy even said, “Wow, you’re a bleeder.” Behind, “You’re positive,” that’s definitely the last thing I want to hear at an HIV test!

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I’m not ashamed to admit that DVR has become my boyfriend. It’s reliable & dependable & never lets me down. It keeps me happy every night! Boyfriendness aside, I love being able to be obsessed with every show I want to be obsessed with. Yay.

Today I drove my car onto a curb while parking at Starbucks… & it got stuck. Like, my car just got hitched onto the curb & would not come off. It was the oddest thing ever. Two guys physically lifted my little Civic & kind of launched it back into the parking spot. I think I’m halfway retarded.

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This weekend is quite a mix of emotions: two birthdays, a date, a funeral and a holiday. Marisa & I discussed doing away with holidays, because the past few Valentine’s & St. Patrick’s Day weeks have held some sort of tragedy for us & people we know. So screw organized celebration – I’m makin’ up my own holidays from now on!

“And this Valentine’s, you were supposed to still be mine.”

Two years ago, I called Dave to “chat.” Kevin had asked me to check up on him… he didn’t answer, and I can’t remember whether I left a message.

Two years from this Saturday, Dave killed himself.

And I don’t think the pain of it will ever leave me… sometimes  I wish it would.

I wrote a column about it, a column that will be published in the Stater on Friday. I left a class today because as we discussed a classmates’ story of a suicidal young boy, I couldn’t handle my emotions.

I wish, I wish, I wish – I wish I had another chance, another kiss, another apology, another do-over. I wish I could see him just one more time. I wish I remembered what his voice sounded like, what his face felt like, what. I wish I remembered that last time I saw him or the last time we spoke.

“We will never be over.”

“Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop…” –Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

I’m ill. Sniffling, sneezing, sleeping-as-much-as-I-can sick. I’m lucky it fell on a day when I didn’t have too much to do, so I could relax.

How come New York’s mother looks like a man? She freaks me out. I don’t understand why she’s such a big part  of the show – is New York incapable of making her own relationship decisions? Also, I hate that her mom made the guys go to church, even the Jewish kid & the one who really didn’t want to go in.

Also, I was  messing with my teeth today & somehow massacred my entire top gum. It’s been bleeding incessantly.

Who wants to write my magazine story for me? You? Yeah? Sweet.

I need sleep. I feel like a train wreck. Sorry this was boring.

“I don’t live in the past anymore. Someone told me it was a weakness.” –Lex, “Smallville”-

Currently, the sole purpose of my owning an iPod is so that I can watch TV in my bed. I am thoroughly enjoying the glory that is iTunes, although I would much prefer it if “America’s Next Top Model” and “The 4400” were offered.

Tonight while perusing Family Video, I heard a loud bang & was surprised to discover that two kids outside the store had been the targets of a drive-by sling-shooting!!! The renegade “bullet,” whatever it was, missed its target & put a small hole in the glass window of the store instead.

Classes begin on Tuesday, & I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit petrified. RPA just sounds killer & not at all my bag, & I’ve heard Magazine Writing described as “Feature Writing on steroids. Ummm… beyond scary. Wish me luck?

“There are two types of girls. The ones you grow out of & the ones you grow into. I really hope I’m one of the latter.” –Chloe, “Smallville”-

 Worked a few hours, eaten a few latkes, watched a few episodes of “Smallville,” seen a few friends who came in from out of town (i.e. Christina, Sean & Adam). All in all, break is looking up quite a bit, despite being practically assaulted  last night.

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I’ve applied for a bazillion internships, too, and am hoping something good comes of it. I still have a gabillion more to apply for, but I’m taking a quick break because I’ve mailed in the ones due in & before January. Conde Nast & Forbes are next…

I bought a killer pink dress from the thrift yesterday. How often do you find a dress that fits you from the freakin’ VDO? Maybe I’ll wear it to whatever lackluster party I attend to ring in 2007.

Yesterday I found out two of my elementary school pals are engaged, & tonight I discovered that another old friend will be tying the knot soonish. For the first time I’m afraid my biological clock is ticking, or something, & I’m really starting to wonder if I’m behind on life, or what… but I try to keep my chin up by reminding myself that getting married right now would be very small-town of me, something I don’t want, right? I’ll move somewhere, find someone, start a life wherever I am – I just need to keep facing forward, but sometimes it’s hard not to get rattled along the way.

((()))

“You can leave me on the corner where you found me. I’m not far sale anymore.” –Cocorosie-

There’s a sign on the window of Taco Bell that advertises “Spicy Jobs & Zesty Careers.” Call me crazy, but the only careers I can think of that could be described as “zesty” are, like, being a salsa instructor or maybe a Cajun chef. Working at Taco Bell can hardly be described as zestful, & I pray it’s rarely described as a “career.”

Speaking of Taco Bell, fuck e. coli! Because of it, there are no longer any scallions on my cheesy fiesta potatoes, & since I already get them without sour cream, there’s no fiesta involved anymore. Just boring old cheesy potatoes.

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Also, I’d like to make a book of things that annoy me about working at the Nat. I know practically everyone in customer service feels this way about their jobs, but we seem to attract a unique breed of insanity.

My mom’s making a latke feast tomorrow. Chag sameach & happy Chanukah, lovers!